I Am

In Spanish, there's two ways to say "I am".

The first is "estar".  In general, estar is used to denote temporary conditions, like physical location, emotion, and various roles we play. 

The second is "ser". This is used to describe essential characteristics of something, like gender, personality traits, and where you are from.

When I step back and think about it, I realize that I base my worth far too much on temporary states of being, and not enough on my essential characteristics.

I don't believe our Heavenly Father is concerned with what our estar roles are as much as how well we perform them. I think what he truly cares about is our essential characteristics: our heritage, how we treat others, and how we fulfill our divine roles in the family.

In a world where our value is based on ever-changing roles and conditions, our self-worth can feel like a tumultuous roller coaster.  It turns out, our divine worth has almost nothing to do with our physical beauty, wealth, occupation, marital/family status, income potential, church calling, education, race, or sexual orientation.  Rather, our worth is based almost entirely on one sublime truth: we are children of God. 

And when we understand, truly understand, that we are literal spirit children of a Heavenly Father, everything changes. The roles we play become secondary in importance to our divine heritage.  Our focus shifts from what roles and statuses we can attain to how well we can let our divinity shine through in whatever role we are currently fulfilling.

Right now, I am a wife, daughter, sister, friend, team member, temple worker, nanny, gardener, grocery shopper, dinner-maker, dishes-doer, bill-payer, budget-keeper, primary teacher, and car-sharer. But what really matters is that I am a daughter of God, and that I fulfill all my roles and responsibilities, whatever they may be, with the honor and dignity that my divine nature requires.

Writing again

It's been over two years since I wrote anything on here. Things are a little different now. Good different, but different enough that I haven't felt like this corner of the world was really needed anymore. I got married to an awesome man, moved to Idaho, went to graduate school, and bought a house. So many things are different.

But recently I've realized that some things are also the same as before. I still love to write. It feeds my soul. I still have thoughts and feelings that I don't know for to express but I need a place to write and reflect on. I'm not sure that this will continue to be that place, but I'm going to give it a try.

Today I need to write about anxiety. I've struggled with it for a long time. Many do. I remember once the counselor I was working with at BYU heard me really about my typical day and said, "that sounds like how a high functioning person tries to cope with depression and anxiety." That hit me hard. I couldn't possibly be dealing with those type of mental struggles- I was very high functioning.

Well, it turns out that a highly structured life can help you cope with mental struggles, and it can also help you hide from them. Structure and external validation can obfuscate the true anxieties that drive behavior. For me, that anxiety centers on insecurities. Within a structured environment, my insecurities are fed by external validation. Remove that environment, and I experience an anxiety so crippling that I often struggle to connect with others and make even simple decisions.

So that's the darker side of the past 18 months of my life. In many respects, things have gone exactly as I planned. And yet in others, I feel so desperately behind.  I have a great marriage, financial stability, and a home.  But I still don't have a master's degree, a prosperous career, or any children.  And much of that is due to prayerful choices.

I think that's what I'm stuck on right now. My life is not successful in the ways I've defined success for so long- the ways that I know deep down are not important, but I can't help focusing on.   Over and over again I've asked for busyness, progression, and achievement.  And over and over again my answers have been to choose the path that is more boring, quiet, and calm. But that path never feels like enough. And now, I'm sick of asking.

I'm tired of wanting success and achievement and being told no every time. So I stopped asking. I determined that I could be just fine with a life that requires less of me.  But in my lack of asking, I now feel a hole, a nagging guilt that there is still something for me to do, I just don't understand it yet. I don't get to give up. But I am so tired of asking.

When I force myself to really think about it, I think I know why I've been diverted so many times. I know that my desires have been for the wrong reasons. I know that I need to learn to find validation vertically instead of horizontally. I know that I need to overcome jealousy and comparing my life with others. I know that I need to confront the roots of anxiety. I know that I need to learn to care for myself and to develop a true sense of self-assuredness, peace, and strength that is rooted in humility. But I know I'm not there yet. I know I'm still asking the wrong questions and banging my head against the wall of frustrating pride. But I also know that my Heavenly Father will never give up on me, and that He has an incredible plan for my life.

So I'll keep trying to figure it out, and I'll ask for the desire to keep asking.

Full Circle: 3 Years Later

Three years ago today I wrote this post.

At the time, I thought that a long walk and tender hug was the perfect ending to my school year.  But I had no idea that it would lead to a surprise 4th of July visit, a first kiss during Singing in the Rain, and a few months of long-distance Skype dates.  I couldn't have guessed that I'd spend the next 2 1/2 years building the foundation of a beautiful relationship.  I would never have thought that 3 years, several breakups, and an eternity of growth later, I'd be 4 days away from marrying the man who tried not to raise my hopes that first night.  I had no idea that my "perfect ending" was just the beginning.

And I'm grateful I didn't know that then.  It would have scared me to death.  I wouldn't have understood how my paradigm could shift so dramatically.  I couldn't have grasped that it is possible to love someone so deeply that you actively work to shred every ounce of pride that holds you back from serving them more.

But now I do now.  I know what it is like to be blessed with tenacity in love.  I know how it feels to fight for the one you love.  I know what it feels like to be paralyzed with fear- because even though you know you love him more than you thought possible, it's still so much different that you thought it would be.

And I am so grateful.  This has been a LONG ride.  And one that I am ready to take into eternity.

Sappy

I know, I know.  I'm engaged.  And I'm also pretty in love.  So if you're not feeling up to some sappy reading, you can stop now.

But honestly, I feel so, so lucky.  My fiance (that's still a really weird word to use) is awesome.  Kind, hardworking, and understanding.  So strong in the gospel.  Patient with my occasional craziness.  Trustworthy.  Handsome.  Brilliant. (did I mention handsome?)

And, more than anyone on this earth, he can make me laugh.  Even when I'm grumpy, sad, or tired.  Even when the last thing I want is to feel better.  He's magic.

He is the bomb.  And he's gonna be my husband. :-)

April 26th, 2014

I'm getting married.  No big deal...

Balance

I am a workaholic.  I know, I know-- We all are.

BUT REALLY.  I won't bore you with numbers because I don't want to be proud of them.  Because the amount of time I spend at work shouldn't be something to complain/brag about.  Work should be roughly 1/3 of my life, and man it has been hard getting it there.

But today, I feel like I finally had some success in this whole balance thing.  I woke up, went to work (10 minutes later...shhhh), and then got to it.  At 11:30, I took a half hour lunch.  As if that wasn't a miracle enough, I branched out from my usual lunch of apples, carrots, grapes, and string cheese and actually ate some solid PROTEIN.  I drank water.  I treated myself to a handful of dark-chocolate acai berries.  After lunch I got back to work, focusing really hard on meeting the needs of clients, and even passed off my training qualification.  I finished the day at 4:20 (20 minutes after I'm supposed to get off) with a record 68 points.  When I got home, I had so much energy that I couldn't help clean up, cook a bit, and take a run.

Right now, I just want to revel in the fact that-so far-today has been a whopping success!

p.s. let's all ignore the fact that i now post every few months instead of days, and instead revel in the fact that this means i'm taking the time to talk to friends, family, and God

Wisdom and Knowledge

I'd like to say something.

This isn't about my daily life, except that it is.  It's about the paradigm in which I live, and the life I am trying to build.

For the past 4 years, I have been on a constant search to define truth for myself.  To know, for myself, where the truth really lies.  To be able to see things as they really are.

This sounds simple- but it's not.

Truth is something that comes in shades.  Or at least it seems to.  In fact, truth is straightforward- it's our understanding of truth that comes in layers, making the truth feel like a spectrum of gray.  In reality, it's our journey from black to white that blurs the colors.

This isn't necessarily bad- as humans we are always learning.  But we have to remember that.  Even when we learn something new, it is essential that we recognize that our knowledge only represents a step in the right direction- not the whole picture.

There are many things that we understand certain aspects of, while tending to neglect the whole.  Social and political issues represent the most poignant examples.  Everyone understands some piece correctly- but no one has the whole truth.  Some are closer than others.  Some seek for truth in the bigger picture, placing their trust in a higher power while sorting through the details.

I believe that this is true wisdom: A constant search for greater truth that is grounded in the faith of a paradigm in which one already believes.

Having spent a great deal of time running frantically from one side to the other, unsure who to believe and ever-worried that new information would rip the fragile foundation from beneath my feet, I know the dangers of fanatical knowledge-seeking.  Knowledge is not something to be consumed voraciously.  It is something to be pursued with diligence and passion, tempered and grounded in the constancy of certain Truth.

inspiration from Celeste's thesis

I had a long, grueling day at work today- 11 straight hours without a lunch break.
My head hurts like nobody's business, and I can't seem to find enough protein in this place to quiet my rumbling stomach.
I'm fighting the despair that it's only Monday, and I'm already loathing the idea of waking up and doing this all over again tomorrow.

And yet, I realize that I can "choose to persuade myself otherwise".  I can find the joy in my work- I can realize that I am in fact quite excited about passing off my Phase III qualification, taking a stab at beating the phone record, and laughing with some of our more congenial clients.  I can rejoice in my ability to discover and solve problems, eat delicious free food, and then come home to an apartment of kind friends.  I can look forward to Hannah's visit next week, real time with friends, and quiet time to ponder.

Thanks, Aristotle.

22

Still a morning person
Still a journal writer
Still a reader
Still curly haired
Still finding my way, searching for truth, and loving to learn.
And Jacob 3 is still my favorite.

But for the first year I can remember, today I know that the best way to be happy is to find ways to love.

For moments I forget

There is hope, peace, and joy in this world. Enough and more to overcome fear, pain, and sorrow. Enough to make every moment worth living to the fullest. And enough to remind us in each of those moments that we have an ever-loving Father who knows and ministers to our specific needs and concerns.

My Heavenly Father's plan is the reason for my hope and peace. I am forever grateful for this knowledge, and for the strength it provides each day.

One Day at a Time

As it turns out, one day at a time is totally doable. Especially when your day includes so many wonderful people and opportunities to love them.

God is good. He knows what we need. He knows that in order to have a real place in life we need opportunities to love and be loved. Today, I'm so grateful for both of those- and for the way they meld together into a solid foundation of peace and joy.

Thursday Thankfuls

Today I want to reflect on how much I have to be grateful for.

In today's economy, and as a psychology graduate, I have a job.  That is a blessing all by itself.  But to have a job that is challenging, a job I truly enjoy, and to be working for a great company with fantastic people and excellent benefits (not to mention all the food one can imagine)- that is a downright miracle.

I live in a pleasant apartment with women who both love me and give me the opportunity to love them.  My friends, family, and other acquaintances routinely provide me with opportunities to practice giving and receiving love.

I am healthy.  I have time, means, and willpower to eat well and exercise in ways that I find enjoyable!  Tonight I get to head to Peaks Ice Arena to try out my graduation present: brand new figure skates. (I might be a tad excited...)

And more than anything, I am happy.  For the past 4 months, I have figured out how to feel what I need to feel in order to regulate my emotions.  I often have days where I come home and hum and whistle as I clean the kitchen before heading onto my nightly activities.  It really doesn't matter all that much what I'm doing- because I've figured out how to choose peace and happiness.

I'm grateful to be alive, and I'm eternally grateful for knowledge of an Eternal Plan that brings me purpose, peace, and joy.

Mondays with...Lewis

Last night was crazy and I did what was needful- and it hurt, which is good, because it shows me I can still feel.  Today I started my new job and I LOVE IT.  Our boss reminded us that he didn't hire us to do a job, he hired us to think.  I feel challenged and excited and enthusiastic all at once. :-)

And because I'm going through Mere Christianity to find quotes for Jacquelyn, I'll share one that I strive to live by:

A real desire to believe all the good you can of others and to make others as comfortable as you can will solve most problems.

~ C. S. Lewis

Follow-up Post: Bonds that Make us Free

Some of my personal thoughts, stream of consciousness style, on forgiveness, spurred by C. Terry Warner's book, Bonds that Make us Free.

Just because I know I should forgive doesn't make it easy.  There is a stark difference between a change of mind and a change of heart.  In the Sermon on the Mount, Christ declared:

Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:
But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.
And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.
And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain.
Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.
Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.  Matthew 5:38-44

I realized recently that I believe these words- with all that I am.  They resonate deeply within me.  And I think now I am beginning to understand why.  So long as my concern is in protecting myself, I cannot freely love.  This does not mean allowing myself to be abused, because that would be collusion.  What it does mean is that when I have the Spirit, and when I love others deeply, I will not act wrongly toward them.  I will desire their eternal joy, which will in turn be my greatest protection and facilitate their greatest opportunity to be kind and truthful- because kindness cleaveth unto kindness, and light unto light.

Truly loving others doesn't mean being a martyr, it means seeing and treating others as the children of God that they are.  It means frankly forgiving, and following the guidance of the Spirit to help set them up for eternal success.  When we live in constant fear that others will hurt us, we are almost asking them to.  But when we expect others to live up to their divine potential, they may actually do so- and because we are following the Savior, we will be placing ourselves in the best possible position to be warned of and protected from evil.

Don't count the cost of kindness- just do it.  In the long run it does make sense, and of course it does- it's a divine commandment, but don't wait for an apology or complete understanding of all the reasons.  Just Forgive.

Book Review: Bonds that Make us Free

Before I say anything else, I want to say this: 

Read this book.  

I won't be able to convey the full meaning of the book in this brief synopsis, and reading is really more of an experience than an accumulation of facts and quotes.  It may not touch you in the same way it touched me.  But in the off chance that it does, it's worth it.  It was a game changer.  And so I start this review with the same invitation as the preface:

Test everything...against your own thoughtfully considered experience.  If you are honest about that experience, what is true will ring true- you will not have to rely on my say-so or anybody else's.  No self-proclaimed human authority will serve you better than your own straightforward sense of what is right." (xiv) 

Bonds that Make us Free: Healing our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves, written by C. Terry Warner, focuses on the notion of a concept called self-betrayal.  Essentialy, self-betrayal occurs when we feel that we ought to act or feel in a certain way, and we don't.  This could mean a kind thought or deed we don't express or an unkind one we do.  Ultimately, each time we fail to heed these promptings, or invitations, to act in the truthfulness of who we really are, we engage in self-betrayal.  

Each time we betray ourselves, we then feel a need to justify ourselves.  We do this by coming up with excuses for our thoughts or behavior, often very externally valid ones, or by incriminating others.  Doing so leads to a process of collusion, in which we betray ourselves and practically plead with others to act wrongly toward us.  Warner argues that the basis of our pain, suffering, and unhappiness in life is self-betrayal.  According to him:

Happiness is more like a decision than a condition.  It is a decision anyone can make, anywhere, and at any time.  For it is not the enjoyableness of objects or activities or opportunities that makes us happy or unhappy; rather, our happiness, rooted in our relationships, makes objects and activities enjoyable.  Things, events, and opportunities have no value in and of themselves; they get their value from the significant part they play in our key relationships with others. Thus life's being hard does not force us to adopt a resentful attitude.  Life becomes hard to bear only when we, as self-betrayers, cast ourselves in a victim's role by regarding others as our victimizers and nurse our misfortunes as if they were badges of honor. (54)

This is especially important in our relationships with others.  "The kind of people we are cannot be separated from how we interpret the world around us...We are who we are in relation to others." (41)

So how do we attain a state of peace and joy, without betrayal?  We position ourselves with a "receptive posture toward the truth" (162), sincerely asking in each situation of tension, "Might I be in the wrong?" (197).  And one surefire way to know if we are acting truthfully is indicated in our orientation toward others.  For, as Warner states, "The emotion we experience in the presence of truth is love."  And, "The more actively we engage ourselves in bonds of love, the less susceptible we will be to getting ourselves stuck in anguished bonds of collusion."

I believe this indicates that our role as a human being is to be loving toward others- to feel and act in sincerity, love, and kindness to all those around us.  As Kierkegaard says, "Love is the expression of the one who loves, not of the one who is loved."  When we act truthfully toward others, with sincere love, we invite them to act that way toward us.  "Great is the influence of those souls who are sensitive to how they affect others (which does not mean seeking to please others but doing what will actually help them), and who govern themselves according to that sense." (pg. 320).

Book Review: The Millionaire Next Door

So it turns out that one of the things I really care about in life is finances.  Not because I'm in debt, or because I want to be really rich someday.  Rather, I've witnessed firsthand the debilitating life situation of those who don't understand how to be responsible with money.  It leads to heartbreak and sorrow, and drives away peace.  Because of what I've seen, I am meticulous with my money.  I have kept a budget of every dollar I've spent since I was 17 years old, and I price watch like nobody's business.  I have never been in debt or borrowed money, and I never plan to.  In many regards this is because I have been incredibly blessed- I attended University largely on scholarships, and I have been blessed with good employment.  But this is also largely due to how I live- below my means.  I recognize the important difference between wants and needs, and I treat them as such.

But I also realized that I wanted to learn more.  I've never taken a finance class, and when it comes to the research, I really knew very little.  So, after a financial seminar with some women in my ward, I headed over to the Provo Library and checked out The Millionaire Next Door: The Surprising Secrets of America's Wealthy, written by Thomas J. Stanley and William D. Danko.  It was an excellent read.

The book is based on a boatload of legitimate research done by these two fine scholars (and the help of many others), so if you're interested I suggest reading the whole book.  There are ample graphs, charts, and stats to ensure any skeptical statistician of their sound methods.  But for my purposes, I just want to discuss the main point of the book:

Most of the truly wealthy people in America live well below their means.

Truly wealthy people become that way because of hard work.  They scrimp and save.  They are meticulously frugal.  They budget.  They live in middle-class neighborhoods in houses much cheaper than we would expect.  They dress like middle-class, blue-collar workers.  They rarely buy new vehicles, and they almost never lease.  They teach their children the value of hard work.  They invest.  Often, no one but themselves knows that they are actually wealthy.  They are frugal in most things, with the notable exceptions of education and financial planning advice.  

And you know what I love about that?  We can do all of those things.  We can be frugal.  We can set aside money for a rainy day instead of inflating our standard of living to our increasing paycheck.  We can resist the urge to keep up with the Jones' and only purchase what we really need- and only when we really need it.

Basically, I really enjoyed the message of this book.  I think it's one we can all take to heart, and something we've been counseled to do by prophets and apostles for decades.  Now that the research is in, maybe our country can learn, from the bottom up, how to live within our means and find financial peace.

Patience

I wish I understood my life a moment at a time,
so each unfolding happening creates a fluid line.
And yet I know the masterpiece designed is so much more,
And thus content I'll be to learn and hope for what's in store.

Sometimes I have to remind myself to be grateful for the little things I learn each day, and not to get impatient for the whole picture.

Reevaluating Proximity

A gentle surprise of abiding joy

overwhelms into brimming tears

Encapsulating bonds of love

and enduring miles and years.

We know not when we yet will meet

again in truth and light;

But in my soul a peace there rests

that Father holds you tight.

I know my place is distant still,

yet it's where I'm needed.

And so I leave you in His care

until back home I'm heeded.

Yesterday with the help of two cars, two planes, and BART, I made the trip back to Provo, Utah.  Walking the streets in the evening, I couldn't help but realize that this really does feel like home.  I will miss my family, but I rest assured knowing that while I am doing my best our here, they will be watched over by one who is more wise than I.

Doctrine and Covenants 50:24

Sources of Light

Nigh upon the rocky coast, there lives a stalwart soul

beloved by so many for his quintessential role.

Few have ever seen his face, and yet they all still know:

If direction they are seeking, toward his residence to row.

Lustrous light he beams; for all to see in every hour.

To warn approaching seamen of the rocks that would devour.

Though ever bright and constant the keeper's flame doth shine

other lights, he knows, have fought to keep the boats in line.

Those lights he won't extinguish, as he beckons through the foam;

for he honors each and every source that helps to bring men home.

Note: text written at 6am...infer what you will. :-)

Trusting the Boss

I trust God.

I don't say this because I want to trust him, or because others have told me that I should.  I say this because I know that he is my father, that he has a direct and very specific plan for my life, and that his hands intervene in the precise way I need whenever I am humble enough to allow it.

How do I know this?  Because when I look back on my life with faith and with a sincere desire to understand, I can see very clearly how each and every event that didn't make sense at the time now fits perfectly into molding process designed by my Heavenly Father.  I can see how moving to a new town in high school helped me develop the true friends I needed to uncover the pain I had buried, how the school I've attended has given me the strength to build my own example and testimony despite other issues, how roommates I struggled with taught me about collusion and led me to meet someone very important, and even how people I've dated and loved have helped me learn about forgiveness, safety, and healing.  I have seen how challenges have helped me open my heart to see the pain of others, and to find the joy and opportunity in serving and loving another one of his precious children. Every pain, heartache, and trial has ministered to my understanding and has helped create who I am today.  I am still far from perfect, but I have only been able to come this far because my Heavenly Father has sent me people, experiences, and opportunities I needed, trusting that I would do my very best with them.  And through this process, I have been healed, strengthened, and refined.

I am so grateful that he knows that he is doing.  I know him, I love him, and I trust him- because I know that his ultimate goal is the eternal joy of his children.