Follow-up Post: Bonds that Make us Free

Some of my personal thoughts, stream of consciousness style, on forgiveness, spurred by C. Terry Warner's book, Bonds that Make us Free.

Just because I know I should forgive doesn't make it easy.  There is a stark difference between a change of mind and a change of heart.  In the Sermon on the Mount, Christ declared:

Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:
But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.
And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.
And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain.
Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.
Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.  Matthew 5:38-44

I realized recently that I believe these words- with all that I am.  They resonate deeply within me.  And I think now I am beginning to understand why.  So long as my concern is in protecting myself, I cannot freely love.  This does not mean allowing myself to be abused, because that would be collusion.  What it does mean is that when I have the Spirit, and when I love others deeply, I will not act wrongly toward them.  I will desire their eternal joy, which will in turn be my greatest protection and facilitate their greatest opportunity to be kind and truthful- because kindness cleaveth unto kindness, and light unto light.

Truly loving others doesn't mean being a martyr, it means seeing and treating others as the children of God that they are.  It means frankly forgiving, and following the guidance of the Spirit to help set them up for eternal success.  When we live in constant fear that others will hurt us, we are almost asking them to.  But when we expect others to live up to their divine potential, they may actually do so- and because we are following the Savior, we will be placing ourselves in the best possible position to be warned of and protected from evil.

Don't count the cost of kindness- just do it.  In the long run it does make sense, and of course it does- it's a divine commandment, but don't wait for an apology or complete understanding of all the reasons.  Just Forgive.

Book Review: Bonds that Make us Free

Before I say anything else, I want to say this: 

Read this book.  

I won't be able to convey the full meaning of the book in this brief synopsis, and reading is really more of an experience than an accumulation of facts and quotes.  It may not touch you in the same way it touched me.  But in the off chance that it does, it's worth it.  It was a game changer.  And so I start this review with the same invitation as the preface:

Test everything...against your own thoughtfully considered experience.  If you are honest about that experience, what is true will ring true- you will not have to rely on my say-so or anybody else's.  No self-proclaimed human authority will serve you better than your own straightforward sense of what is right." (xiv) 

Bonds that Make us Free: Healing our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves, written by C. Terry Warner, focuses on the notion of a concept called self-betrayal.  Essentialy, self-betrayal occurs when we feel that we ought to act or feel in a certain way, and we don't.  This could mean a kind thought or deed we don't express or an unkind one we do.  Ultimately, each time we fail to heed these promptings, or invitations, to act in the truthfulness of who we really are, we engage in self-betrayal.  

Each time we betray ourselves, we then feel a need to justify ourselves.  We do this by coming up with excuses for our thoughts or behavior, often very externally valid ones, or by incriminating others.  Doing so leads to a process of collusion, in which we betray ourselves and practically plead with others to act wrongly toward us.  Warner argues that the basis of our pain, suffering, and unhappiness in life is self-betrayal.  According to him:

Happiness is more like a decision than a condition.  It is a decision anyone can make, anywhere, and at any time.  For it is not the enjoyableness of objects or activities or opportunities that makes us happy or unhappy; rather, our happiness, rooted in our relationships, makes objects and activities enjoyable.  Things, events, and opportunities have no value in and of themselves; they get their value from the significant part they play in our key relationships with others. Thus life's being hard does not force us to adopt a resentful attitude.  Life becomes hard to bear only when we, as self-betrayers, cast ourselves in a victim's role by regarding others as our victimizers and nurse our misfortunes as if they were badges of honor. (54)

This is especially important in our relationships with others.  "The kind of people we are cannot be separated from how we interpret the world around us...We are who we are in relation to others." (41)

So how do we attain a state of peace and joy, without betrayal?  We position ourselves with a "receptive posture toward the truth" (162), sincerely asking in each situation of tension, "Might I be in the wrong?" (197).  And one surefire way to know if we are acting truthfully is indicated in our orientation toward others.  For, as Warner states, "The emotion we experience in the presence of truth is love."  And, "The more actively we engage ourselves in bonds of love, the less susceptible we will be to getting ourselves stuck in anguished bonds of collusion."

I believe this indicates that our role as a human being is to be loving toward others- to feel and act in sincerity, love, and kindness to all those around us.  As Kierkegaard says, "Love is the expression of the one who loves, not of the one who is loved."  When we act truthfully toward others, with sincere love, we invite them to act that way toward us.  "Great is the influence of those souls who are sensitive to how they affect others (which does not mean seeking to please others but doing what will actually help them), and who govern themselves according to that sense." (pg. 320).

Book Review: The Millionaire Next Door

So it turns out that one of the things I really care about in life is finances.  Not because I'm in debt, or because I want to be really rich someday.  Rather, I've witnessed firsthand the debilitating life situation of those who don't understand how to be responsible with money.  It leads to heartbreak and sorrow, and drives away peace.  Because of what I've seen, I am meticulous with my money.  I have kept a budget of every dollar I've spent since I was 17 years old, and I price watch like nobody's business.  I have never been in debt or borrowed money, and I never plan to.  In many regards this is because I have been incredibly blessed- I attended University largely on scholarships, and I have been blessed with good employment.  But this is also largely due to how I live- below my means.  I recognize the important difference between wants and needs, and I treat them as such.

But I also realized that I wanted to learn more.  I've never taken a finance class, and when it comes to the research, I really knew very little.  So, after a financial seminar with some women in my ward, I headed over to the Provo Library and checked out The Millionaire Next Door: The Surprising Secrets of America's Wealthy, written by Thomas J. Stanley and William D. Danko.  It was an excellent read.

The book is based on a boatload of legitimate research done by these two fine scholars (and the help of many others), so if you're interested I suggest reading the whole book.  There are ample graphs, charts, and stats to ensure any skeptical statistician of their sound methods.  But for my purposes, I just want to discuss the main point of the book:

Most of the truly wealthy people in America live well below their means.

Truly wealthy people become that way because of hard work.  They scrimp and save.  They are meticulously frugal.  They budget.  They live in middle-class neighborhoods in houses much cheaper than we would expect.  They dress like middle-class, blue-collar workers.  They rarely buy new vehicles, and they almost never lease.  They teach their children the value of hard work.  They invest.  Often, no one but themselves knows that they are actually wealthy.  They are frugal in most things, with the notable exceptions of education and financial planning advice.  

And you know what I love about that?  We can do all of those things.  We can be frugal.  We can set aside money for a rainy day instead of inflating our standard of living to our increasing paycheck.  We can resist the urge to keep up with the Jones' and only purchase what we really need- and only when we really need it.

Basically, I really enjoyed the message of this book.  I think it's one we can all take to heart, and something we've been counseled to do by prophets and apostles for decades.  Now that the research is in, maybe our country can learn, from the bottom up, how to live within our means and find financial peace.

meaningful moments

Recently I've been a little prone to complain about the daily grind of life.  About the dullness of waking up early every morning to go to the gym, attending a long day of classes, and then spending the evening after dinner with more homework.  Sleep, wake up, and do it all again.

But every once in a while, there are moments that shake things up.  And to be honest, they happen more often than I acknowledge, and they are what make life worth living.  They give life meaning.

Moments
...like seeing my boyfriend smile constantly while eating food, watching roadrunner cartoons, and chatting with friends.
...when I get to help a struggling student understand material and prepare for a test.
...when I accidentally step in a puddle, almost get upset, and then jump in on purpose!
...after class with my English professor when I come to understand that the "cowboy" ideal of men in our society is attractive, but true manhood is so different than John Grady Cole.
...when I lay in bed for ten minutes before getting up, contemplating the beauty of the world and the blessing of being alive.

It's easy to get hung up on the little things of everyday.  But life is so much better when I focus on making meaning in all of those moments.

Also, it's about time.  I'm going to read this book.