Follow-up Post: Bonds that Make us Free

Some of my personal thoughts, stream of consciousness style, on forgiveness, spurred by C. Terry Warner's book, Bonds that Make us Free.

Just because I know I should forgive doesn't make it easy.  There is a stark difference between a change of mind and a change of heart.  In the Sermon on the Mount, Christ declared:

Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:
But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.
And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.
And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain.
Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.
Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.  Matthew 5:38-44

I realized recently that I believe these words- with all that I am.  They resonate deeply within me.  And I think now I am beginning to understand why.  So long as my concern is in protecting myself, I cannot freely love.  This does not mean allowing myself to be abused, because that would be collusion.  What it does mean is that when I have the Spirit, and when I love others deeply, I will not act wrongly toward them.  I will desire their eternal joy, which will in turn be my greatest protection and facilitate their greatest opportunity to be kind and truthful- because kindness cleaveth unto kindness, and light unto light.

Truly loving others doesn't mean being a martyr, it means seeing and treating others as the children of God that they are.  It means frankly forgiving, and following the guidance of the Spirit to help set them up for eternal success.  When we live in constant fear that others will hurt us, we are almost asking them to.  But when we expect others to live up to their divine potential, they may actually do so- and because we are following the Savior, we will be placing ourselves in the best possible position to be warned of and protected from evil.

Don't count the cost of kindness- just do it.  In the long run it does make sense, and of course it does- it's a divine commandment, but don't wait for an apology or complete understanding of all the reasons.  Just Forgive.

Faith in Practical Empathy

Liminal space expands
Between compassion and despair
Engulfing all who venture close:
The hopeful, who will dare
To bring their joy to those who mourn;
Yet, finding grief a sin
They languish over ignorance
And irony sets in.

For peace can often masquerade
As unconcerned assurance;
A gentle balm that soothes the soul
And strengthens ones endurance.
Contrasting those perceived assumptions
A calm there is to find
In knowing what will lie ahead
And leaving past behind.

For though the mandate rests here still
To mourn with those who weep
The faithful know: while weeping lasts
There are yet those who sleep
Soundly still in tidy cots
Amidst the raging tempest
Who understand, as in times past
That clothes aren't always rent, lest
The promises of deity be trampled underfoot-
For the peace commanded from the decks must in our souls take root.

Unleashing the Dormant Spirit

A few years ago, I was introduced to this clip, Advice from Elder Busche.  It's been a constant favorite of mine, and something that brings me great strength and peace.

Until a few days ago, I had never actually looked up the talk that this came from.  Turns out it was from a BYU Devotional in 1996, Unleashing the Dormant Spirit.  I've been studying it over the past week, and wanted to share some of the thoughts I've learned.

First, "nothing really matters unless we take the Holy Spirit as our guide and avoid being deceived. "  This is, or ought to be, a guiding principle in our lives: unless we can discern between the Holy Ghost and Satan (Good and Evil), we really have no solid foundation for our actions.

So how do we make this judgement?  Elder Busche recommends that we apply Luke 14:33. (Whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple.)  In his own words, Elder Busche suggests that if we can reply according to the following, we know we are following the Holy Spirit: "Yes.  I am a disciple of Christ.  I'm willing to sacrifice my own will, my habits, attitudes, and selfish desires, and endure the hurt and pain that such reflections cause, and bring to him as a sacrifice a broken heart and meek spirit."

Once we have figured out how to discern the Spirit, Elder Busche reminds us of the importance of being under its influence.  "None of us has enough wisdom, enough intelligence, enough knowledge, enough skills, or enough courage, by ourselves, to master our lives and even to succeed in life unless we learn what it means to surrender ourselves into the arms of the Lord and be filled with the Spirit.  He wants to empower us with the gifts that he has promised to give to each of his disciples who has made sacred covenants with him."

One of the beautiful aspects of the Spirit is that is changes not only what we do, but how we do it.  "...under the influence of the Spirit we act in wisdom.  We see the complexity of a problem in its simple parts, and we see the possible solutions unfolding in front of our eyes- to our own surprise. ...Our creativity is developed and multiplied.  That which is a burden without it becomes a privilege when we are under the influence of the Holy Ghost."

A bit later on in the devotional, Elder Busche makes a connection between the Holy Spirit and humility that was especially striking to me.  He explains that, essentially, sin is any time that we are not acting under the complete influence of the Spirit- which is something that happens every day!  So, when we recognize our potential, our responsibility, as disciples of Christ to be under the constant guidance of the Spirit, and then recognize that we cannot possibly attain that on our own, we are able to cultivate humility: a recognition of our weaknesses and a beautiful and bright hope in the redeeming power of grace. As he says, "Seeing ourselves in our full responsibility means also seeing ourselves in our weakness, in our lost opportunities, in our failures- which makes us humble and meek.  We see the necessity to enter into a covenant with the author of life, to activate the atoning blood of Christ to wash us clean, and to embrace, gratefully, the gracious gifts of the Holy Ghost for our essential empowerment."

After we recognize the deep need we have for the influence of the Spirit in our lives, Elder Busche discusses why we don't always have it's companionship.  Ultimately, it comes down to one thing: desire.  "All of our life's actions are the result of our desires."  We must desire- more than anything, more than life itself -to be under the complete influence of the Spirit.  Elder Busche counsels that we must organize and categorize our desires in our prayers in order for the Spirit to take us seriously.  

I love his words near the end: "When the Light of Christ is able to penetrate our hearts, prompted by the enlightened testimony of truth by a focused teacher, it will cause in us an awakening, an awakening of the real me, the child of God, so that we can learn to channel our desires to focus on our true needs."

Our true needs.  Our innermost desires to return to and become like our Heavenly Father, and to feel of his constant peace and love.  When I am closest to my Heavenly Father, this is what I desire more than anything.  I don't always feel it as strongly as I would like, but I relish in the moments that I do.

It reminds me of when the Savior came to visit the Nephites.  The account tells that the people prayed for what they "most desired"- that the Holy Ghost should be given to them.  

Our physical wants and needs often get in the way of this- as does our laziness, apathy, and pride.  But when it comes down to it, I sincerely hope that I can be humble enough, aware enough of who I truly am, to counsel with my Heavenly Father, heed his Holy Spirit, and rejoice in the glory of the Atonement that allows me to become so much more perfect than I could ever be on my own.  

The Master Healer

Note: This post is highly personal. All are welcome to read it, I would just add a respectful reminder that I do not talk about my beliefs to preach or indoctrinate others, but rather to share some of what is most sacred to my heart.

"Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

In Sunday School today we were discussing Christ's visit to the Americas in 3 Nephi. The teacher invited us to ponder on what we would do in that situation. It's a soul searching question.

In chapter 17, He heals all of the people, those that were afflicted in any manner. I know many that are hurting, that are wounded. Some of the pain is physical, but the more pervasive wounds that I know of are the emotional, mental, and spiritual ones. This is that pain that aches deep inside, the kind that we don't know a way out of.

There are a number of people in my life right now who are experiencing all sorts of pain. My heart aches for them. Possibly because I understand to some degree what it means to hurt. Or in part because I see a small part of their suffering, and know that there is so much more I can't see. I want to heal their wounds, to make them whole...but I can't. Not truly.

Which is how I know that, were the Savior to come to my home, my greatest desire would be to take him to those that are hurting, to have him administer to their needs in ways that I never could. I would want him to make them whole.

The Savior isn't physically here today, but that doesn't mean he isn't with us. Over the past year I have learned firsthand how deeply He cares for me, and how many of my wounds he can heal through faith and prayer. It isn't the same as having him physically with me, but it's also not as if he has abandoned me. It takes more faith, more patience, and more trust- but all of that is part of the experience of mortality. We are here to learn, but we are not here because we are intended to hurt forever. There is a way for us to have healing. There is a way to experience joy, love, and continual hope. He is the way.

And I am so, so grateful for it.

Optimism & Ethical Phenomenology

Recently I've been thinking a lot about what it means to have charity, what it means to be happy.  Two things I learned today have helped with that.

Optimism

Today a devotional was given in which the speaker outlined five ways to be positive in a negative world.  I was a little skeptical at first, but I loved his approach on what is most important.

1) Remember that righteousness does not mean perfection.  

He told a story of how once his daughter heard him say a "bad word".  She ran to mom and said, "I thought dad was perfect!".  The mother, in her wisdom, said, "Dad isn't perfect, but he is righteous."  And that is enough.

2) Life is really hard, but keep trying anyway.

Sometimes all we can do is get back up-even though we know how easily everything can be pulled out from under our feet again.  He quoted one of my favorite verses of scripture as well, Doctrine and Covenants 123:17 Therefore, dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power; and then may we stand still, with the utmost assurance, to see the salvation of God, and for his arm to be revealed.

3) Keep your eyes on Heavenly Father.

He told a beautiful story about his daughter being put out for surgery, and how she looked into his eyes and listened to his calming voice as the anesthesiologist administered the drug and she eventually faded away.  This reminds us that our Heavenly Father is always nearby- we need only look into his eyes and hear his voice.

4) Heavenly Father's approval is the only approval that matters.

When others' thoughts are what matter to us, often we don't live up to our potential.  We forget that our eternal Father is our loudest and most enthusiastic cheerleader- and it is only His approval that will matter in the eternities.  Those who truly love you will seek to help you gain His approval by aligning their ideals with His, not by forcing their own upon you.

5) Look for and remember the true joy in our lives.

This was perhaps the most poignant point for me.  He talked about keeping a daily journal, and how daunting that can seem.  But then he noted that President Henry B. Eyring once talked about how he wrote just a few lines in his journal every night by answering this one question: “Have I seen the hand of God reaching out to touch us or our children or our family today?”  It is in those moments- the moments when we recognize divine inspiration in the form of tender mercies, humor, or promptings to help others- that we experience true joy.  And looking back at those moments will help us to remember that we aren't left alone- there is always something in our lives that reminds us of our loving Father who watches over and cares for us.  It is so easy to forget, and so difficult to remember.

Ethical Phenomenology

A few hours later, in class, we discussed Ethical Phenomenology, a perspective championed by Emmanuel Levinas that holds that our values and ethics are the most important part of our existence.  From this perspective:

1) It is our nature to care for and be responsible for one another.
2) It is our infinite responsibility to care for one another, and we are reminded of this by the distinct and unique faces of those with whom we interact.
3) We can betray our inherent goodness, but it will always be a betrayal.

I love this idea, because I believe it is very true and fundamental.  We are responsible for how we interact with others, and when we follow the divine example of our Savior, we learn the importance of caring for each person around us, because they are our spirit brothers and sisters.  This is no small calling.  And I would propose that, through our world of distant relationships that occur over telephone, texting, and the internet, we so easily lose sight of the true humanity of those around us.  It is so much harder to deny the needs of a person when you are sitting face to face with them than over the phone or email.  It is so much easier to be self-centered, self-focused, and egoistic when real human interactions with others are rare.  I would purport that social interaction isn't just a fun part of the way we are wired as humans, but the way in which we connect with and meet the needs of others- for whom we have a fundamental responsibility.

Now, I don't mean to say that we should sacrifice our own health and sanity to do this.  In fact, as my sweet boyfriend reminded me this weekend, doing so is actually just as selfish as not helping in the first place, because we must be able to take care of ourselves to the extent that we aren't depending on someone else to come pick our neglected pieces and put us back together.  We all do the best we can with ourselves, while remembering that we are a universal human family with responsibilities to love and care for one another.  We do this first and foremost within our families, and then, as time and means permit, we reach out to those in our communities and around the world.  But we are deceiving ourselves if we think our sole responsibility is to ourselves.  We are here to love and serve one another, just as we have seen exemplified in the loving sacrifice and service of our Heavenly Father and our Elder Brother.

So those are my thoughts for today.  It's been a good day for pulling together ideas that have been in my head for ages, and it feels relieving to write them down.  I love learning things that help me develop my worldview in ways that are more and more consistent with the way things really are, and in ways that will help me to be a better sister, friend, girlfriend, daughter, and child of God.

On Being a Girl

Recently I've realized something: there is a difference in the way I view myself and the way I think others view me. I KNOW that I am spiritual, kind, intelligent, beautiful, powerful, and amazing.  I know that I have endured well, learned a lot, and have a vivaciousness for life that I cherish.  I have come a long way, and I am proud of the person I am becoming.  But sometimes when I'm around others, especially men, I let that slip away.  For some reason, I focus on physicality, "sexiness" (whatever that means), and those things for attention.  Because here's the thing: it's easier.  It's faster.  Physicality can garner attention in an instant, but it leaves just as quickly.  Respect, on the other hand, comes when others see your true self.  It takes time to build, and it takes a lot to destroy.  So why not just focus on what really matters?

This is easier said than done, obviously.  But I think what makes it hardest is when others are pulled into the same trap we are.  I've been listening to Pandora quite a bit lately, and for some reason the ONLY advertisement that my station plays is for breast enhancement surgery.  I'm someone that has always been 100% against physical alterations for the sake of being pretty- I don't like wearing much makeup, I think working out and diets for the sake of weight and not health are absolute lunacy, and expensive and invasive procedures for the sole sake of altering natural appearances usually make me gag.  But after a few hours of hearing this commercial over and over, I started to wonder.  Will my husband expect that?  Am I not the right size? etc.  So what did I do?  Being the slightly strange person I am, I wrote Pandora an email, kindly letting them know my concern about the type of advertisements on their stations and the message it was sending to women and girls.  Because here's the thing:  most of the physical things we worry about and want to change about ourselves wouldn't even cross our minds unless someone else was doing them.  And it has to start somewhere.

A friend recommended this blog post to me today, and I agree with every single world.  Take a read, it really does define what is most important for our children to know.

I echo her sentiment: 

I hope enough brave girls band together, support one another and reject the world's counterfeit definition of beauty.

selective underloading

I'm a fan of education.  Really.  I'm a university student, and hopefully someday soon I'll be enrolled in a graduate program.  But in some areas, our world has progressed from education and begun to border on overload.

Information is available so easily and anyone can upload anything, that it's to the point where discernment is the most important skill of the age.  It's not whether the right information is out there, but whether we can find it, recognize it, and not get distracted by all the other clutter.

Additionally, because it seems all the information already exists, it's easy to use media as a cop out for thinking for ourselves.  Media seems to be say, "Don't develop your own opinion, just find someone else's you mostly agree with.  Who cares what it is you want your life to be?  Everyone else has it figured out, so just follow them."

I'm not just talking about academics and work here.  There's more at stake than that.  The proliferation of insane amounts of information in various forms of media makes it almost impossible for us to decide for ourselves what is real.  How often do we assume that the pictures we see on Facebook, the scenes from movies, or the headlines in newspapers is how life really ought to be?  It's insanely easy to feel like we're missing out or just plain doing life wrong.

I'm feeling inclined to purge myself from all these ideas and instead have some of my own.  I'm not saying NO to all media, but I think I'm going to take some time to be more selective about the kind I consume.  There's enough chaos going on in my head without hundreds of other opinions about how life and love ought to be to confuse me.

And yes, I recognize the irony of posting this on my blog.

Vulnerability

Now that I'm out of school for the first time since August, I've been doing some cleaning out and catching up.  One of the things I came across that I wanted to document was my notes from Brene Brown's talk on The Power of Vulnerability.  Here are some of my favorite quotes and concepts:


First off, connection is why we're here-it gives purpose and meaning to our lives.

And it follows: it takes courage to be imperfect.

We must have have the courage to have compassion with ourselves first, and then with others, because as it turns out we can't practice compassion with other people unless we can treat ourselves kindly.

Here's a huge, mind-blowing, and completely true asserting: Connection is the result of authenticity.

If we fully embrace vulnerability, what makes us vulnerable makes us beautiful.

How to be vulnerable:
Have the willingness to say I love you first, do something when there are no assurances, and invest in a relationship that may or may not work out.

You cannot selectively numb! [...but really]

Love with our whole hearts, even though there's no guarantee.

We need to practice gratitude and joy, especially in those moments of terror when we're wondering 'can I love you this much?', 'can I believe in this this passionately?', 'can I be this fierce about this?', to just stop and instead of catastrophizing what might happen say: I'm just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I'm alive.

Believe that we're enough. When we stop screaming and we start listening, we are able to be kinder and gentler to ourselves and others.

'of one accord'

This may be my new favorite scripture on things related to romantic and marital relationships.  Enjoy.

Philippians 2:2-3
"Fulfill ye my joy, that ye be like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind.
Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem the other better than themselves. "

If a real, loving relationship is ever going to be possible, you can't live in the 50/50 mindset.  Each person has to give their full 100%, and trust each other enough to believe that the other is doing the same.  As long as you're looking at the relationship in terms of  what you can get out of it, you're never putting enough in.  When your primary concern isn't your partner's needs, but your own, neither of you will ever have those needs fulfilled.  It's a type of the Prisoner's Dilemma, really: the only way for both parties to have the best possible outcome is if they put the other person first.

It's hard and scary, putting your heart in someone else's hands.  You can be brutally hurt, abused, neglected, and mistreated in many ways- and people very often are.  It's the sad truth of the world that we live in.  But when you engage in a relationship where you and your partner love God enough to put the needs of the other first, service becomes cyclical and happiness runs rampant.  It really is the only way.  Build trust, yes.  Be discerning.  Be careful whose hands you place your precious heart in.  But once you know they can be trusted, once you seem the glimmer of goodness that makes you believe in them- go all in.  It is the route that has the greatest cost, but also the only one that will reap the full possibility of benefits.