Patience

I wish I understood my life a moment at a time,
so each unfolding happening creates a fluid line.
And yet I know the masterpiece designed is so much more,
And thus content I'll be to learn and hope for what's in store.

Sometimes I have to remind myself to be grateful for the little things I learn each day, and not to get impatient for the whole picture.

Trusting the Boss

I trust God.

I don't say this because I want to trust him, or because others have told me that I should.  I say this because I know that he is my father, that he has a direct and very specific plan for my life, and that his hands intervene in the precise way I need whenever I am humble enough to allow it.

How do I know this?  Because when I look back on my life with faith and with a sincere desire to understand, I can see very clearly how each and every event that didn't make sense at the time now fits perfectly into molding process designed by my Heavenly Father.  I can see how moving to a new town in high school helped me develop the true friends I needed to uncover the pain I had buried, how the school I've attended has given me the strength to build my own example and testimony despite other issues, how roommates I struggled with taught me about collusion and led me to meet someone very important, and even how people I've dated and loved have helped me learn about forgiveness, safety, and healing.  I have seen how challenges have helped me open my heart to see the pain of others, and to find the joy and opportunity in serving and loving another one of his precious children. Every pain, heartache, and trial has ministered to my understanding and has helped create who I am today.  I am still far from perfect, but I have only been able to come this far because my Heavenly Father has sent me people, experiences, and opportunities I needed, trusting that I would do my very best with them.  And through this process, I have been healed, strengthened, and refined.

I am so grateful that he knows that he is doing.  I know him, I love him, and I trust him- because I know that his ultimate goal is the eternal joy of his children.

On hoping for a Liahona

This morning in studying the Book of Mormon I came across a passage of scripture I've read dozens of times:

And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord spake unto my father by night, and commanded him that on the morrow he should take his journey into the wilderness.

And it came to pass that as my father arose in the morning, and went forth to the tent door, to his great astonishment he beheld upon the ground a round ball of curious workmanship; and it was of fine brass.  And within the ball were two spindles; and the one pointed the way whither we should go into the wilderness. 1 Nephi 16: 9-10 

For all the times I've read this, I never before made the connection between these two verses.  I recognize that this is my own interpretation, but here's what I realized:

The Liahona, the "ball of curious workmanship" that became so essential in leading Lehi's family to "the more fertile parts of the wilderness", only became available to Lehi after he had followed the divine counsel to begin their journey into the wilderness.

I'm fictionalizing a bit here, but this is sort of what I imagine it was like...

One night, as Lehi is preparing for bed, he receives a strong prompting that tomorrow the family needs to begin their journey.  As the night wears on, Lehi speaks with Sariah about it, and they make plans to prepare the family for the next day's journey.  They were likely uncertain where exactly they were going, but nonetheless knew that they needed to go.

The next morning, after Lehi and Sariah likely had to fight off many doubts and fears, they are blessed with a divine instrument that shows them each day where to go.  It is so clearly a direct reward for their faith and immediate action.  But even the Liahona works "after the manner of their faith".  The scriptures imply that they would wake up in the morning and look to see which way the arrow was pointing- never really knowing from one day to the next where they were to go.

Bottom line: We are blessed for acting on faith.  When Lehi chose to follow the Lord's counsel to journey into the wilderness, he had no idea that he would be blessed with the Liahona.  Often, we want to know everything about a decision before making it- we strive to be logical, rational creates.  But the truth is, often Father has incredible blessings in store that we can't even imagine, and we won't ever know about until we act and move forward in faith.  Think about how much easier it would have been for Lehi if he had known about the Liahona- "Oh, I'm going to have a magic compass to tell us where we should travel?  That sounds great!  Lets go!".  Or, more practically in modern times...imagine how much more willing we would be to act on faith if we knew the blessings associated with it... "Oh, going to this grad school will enable me to provide for my family and have more missionary opportunities?  Of course I'll go!" or "Picking up and moving in the middle of high school will enable me to meet my best friend?  That sounds great!"  or  "If I make time to have that hard discussion with _____, it will help them get back on the right path?  Perfect!"

Moving forward in faith is hard.  It just is.  But sometimes we have to remember that it's not that specific choice we need to have faith in- it's our Heavenly Father.  We need to trust that He does in fact know what is best for us, and He he loves us perfectly.  And, because of both His perfect love and perfect knowledge, He knows the best blessings to give us.  But we have to want them enough to trust Him, listen, and act.

perfect word vomit

Disclaimer: this is honestly word vomit.  I didn't even try and proofread.

Today I realized just how much I have to be grateful for.  And I'm going to be incredibly honest about it.

Today I took the GRE, and it was honestly the scariest test of my life.  But I did GREAT.  I didn't do perfect, or even as well as I probably thought I was capable of, but I did really well, and I did well for the schools I'm wanting to apply to.  And all the while I got to learn an awesome lesson about humility: I don't have to be the best, I just need to do well enough to get me to the next step in my life.  So I can stop fussing about how I could have been better, and just focus on being good enough to learn what it is I need to learn.

In the temple today I met a girl who is pretty much me two years ago.  She's considering changing her major to psychology, and she has so many questions and so much confusion.  I chatted with her a little, but then had to leave.  It seemed silly and presumptuous, but I gave her a note with my email so that she could let me know if she had any more questions.  I honestly didn't think she'd email me, but tonight when I got home she had- almost immediately.  Turns out I was acting on inspiration as an answer to prayer.  Acting on faith does indeed lead to power.

I also realized today that I don't have to make big decisions yet.  I'm happy with what I'm learning, how I'm helping others, and the moments that I feel happy.  Tonight was one of those moments.  I got pretty, went to Five Guys with my awesome boyfriend, and laughed and danced and sang all the way to Smiths for delicious drinks (I'm officially a fan of IZZES- try the delicious drink without added sugar and with two whole servings of fruit!) and then back home.  I made a skirt from the dress I wore to my dad's wedding that was too short- and that was a lovely sort of catharsis in and of itself.  We watched LOST and had a real discussion about the ins and outs of torture and the idealist versus practical views of when the end justifies the means.  Fascinating- and I really love being able to expand my point of view with new ideas.

I'm at an awesome point in life.  I'm moving this week to a brand new apartment, where I get to live with people I love and make new friends while still keeping in touch with a ward I have great friends in.  I'm graduating from college here pretty soon, and I have a great resume, gpa, and test scores that will help me get into a top tier conflict resolution program.  I'm TAing for a class that I love, all while getting to totally revamp the curriculum.  Next week I get a chance to have an authentic interaction with my mother.  Tomorrow I get to play volleyball and start packing.  And I have beautiful opportunities to help build my future family in the distance.

There may be tons of things I don't know, questions I don't have answered, and concerns that haven't gone away...but I also have so many things I DO know, questions I DO know the answers to, and concerns that HAVE gone away.  I've learned so much recently, and I'll only learn more.  I am so blessed.  I can literally feel the power of heaven behind me.

And that, more than anything, is what I've been noticing:  when we act on faith, Heavenly Father gives us power.

http://vimeo.com/3508632  One day.  But until then, I thank you all so much for believing in me.  I believe in you.  (But I don't believe in Harvey Dent.)

What I know

Relaxing is vital to survival, sanity, and kindness.

Sulfur in the air causes rain- so apparently fireworks are good for forest fires.

Being happy isn't wrong, it's beautiful.  Enjoy it.

Sillyness is the butter of relationships.  Cuddling and conversation is the bread.

When the situation arises, the right words will come.

Everyone is doing the best with what they know.

Remember compassion and understanding, then add practicality and advice.

God doesn't make mistakes, but he does make miracles.

Sometimes living in the now is okay, it's even good.  

Because it's only when we truly appreciate the moment that we are able to use it to understand the past and learn for the future.

One step

There comes a moment in every decision where I suddenly realize what I have to do.  I realize that the black and white way of looking at things, the assumption that it's all or nothing, is WRONG.  It's this moment that I never anticipate, and that I never think I'll find- but I always do.  There is a way, and there is a plan.  And most of the time, we don't figure it out on our own.  But when we learn how to ask the right questions, as the right time, for the right reasons, the answers come.  Step by step, piece by blessed piece.

Tonight (or this morning), I'm grateful for one more piece.

'of one accord'

This may be my new favorite scripture on things related to romantic and marital relationships.  Enjoy.

Philippians 2:2-3
"Fulfill ye my joy, that ye be like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind.
Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem the other better than themselves. "

If a real, loving relationship is ever going to be possible, you can't live in the 50/50 mindset.  Each person has to give their full 100%, and trust each other enough to believe that the other is doing the same.  As long as you're looking at the relationship in terms of  what you can get out of it, you're never putting enough in.  When your primary concern isn't your partner's needs, but your own, neither of you will ever have those needs fulfilled.  It's a type of the Prisoner's Dilemma, really: the only way for both parties to have the best possible outcome is if they put the other person first.

It's hard and scary, putting your heart in someone else's hands.  You can be brutally hurt, abused, neglected, and mistreated in many ways- and people very often are.  It's the sad truth of the world that we live in.  But when you engage in a relationship where you and your partner love God enough to put the needs of the other first, service becomes cyclical and happiness runs rampant.  It really is the only way.  Build trust, yes.  Be discerning.  Be careful whose hands you place your precious heart in.  But once you know they can be trusted, once you seem the glimmer of goodness that makes you believe in them- go all in.  It is the route that has the greatest cost, but also the only one that will reap the full possibility of benefits.

Patience, Child

Don’t let the workings of adversity totally absorb your life. Try to understand what you can. Act where you are able; then let the matter rest with the Lord for a period while you give to others in worthy ways before you take on appropriate concern again.
-Richard G. Scott, October 1995