I love my students

I'm really looking forward to my new job, but it's moments like this morning that make me realize how much I'll miss being a TA.  One of the students from last semester sent me an email thanking us for a great semester, and attached his picture. I love my students, and I'm so grateful for all that I've been able to learn from them.

True Doctrine, Understood

There is an often quoted statement by Elder Boyd K. Packer that, particularly in my field of study, has provoked conversation. 

"True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior.  The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior."

Studying in the behavioral sciences, this is often a source of contention and debate.  If studying behavior doesn't help, then why do we do it?  Should all psychologists and sociologists and anthropologists just quite and teach the gospel instead?  It's a little bit demoralizing sometimes.

Or at least it was, until one of my blessed 111 students today shared the rest of the quote with me.  (It's from Elder Packer's October 1986 General Conference talk, entitled "Little Children"

"True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior.

The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior. Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel."

When I read this, it was as though dozens of the feelings I've been having and things I've come to understand all of the sudden clicked together.  Studying behavior is good, it is helpful, and it is necessary.  But we need to be wary of preoccupation with problematic behaviors without constantly remembering the solutions to the problems- which are always eternal solutions.

Let me give an example.  For a long time, my favorite show was Criminal Minds.  It's a very, very dark show.  Nevertheless, often I would get off of work at 1am and then eagerly watch as twisted criminals were understood and investigated.  I dreamed of understanding the way their minds worked, and then of finding ways to "fix" them.  But the problem was this: I was only focusing on the problem, not the solution.  The only way to truly help men and women this scarred would be to treat them as the divine sons and daughters of God that they are- to teach them true principles and expect them to live up to them.

And so it is with many social ills- abortion, poverty, violence, etc.  As we become preoccupied talking about school shootings and horrific abuse and gang violence and homelessness, we unwittingly support its increase.  Alternatively, as we teach true doctrine, help others understand true principles, and become examples of truth and light in our own lives, these ills will slowly fade.

Now, to be clear, I'm not saying that we should ignore wrongdoings that occur in our world.  Absolutely not.  They should be taken care of by the proper authority.  Children should be warned, cautiously, about the dangers of the world they live in.  We have to be practical.  But we don't have to live in fear.  Doing so only results in more reasons to fear.

I'm coming to understand that the answers to most soul-wrenching questions aren't as difficult as they seem- although they can be difficult to implement.  The solutions aren't fiscally expensive, nor do they require many social groups to set in motion.  They are in fact, very simple, and all contained within one simple doctrine: Love one another.  The difficulty here lies not in the finding of the answer, but in the constant and steady changes made in the hearts of individual people.

Toward the end of his address, Elder Packer shared this truth:

"Secular doctrines have the advantage of convincing, tangible evidence. We seem to do better in gathering data on things that can be counted and measured.

Doctrines which originate in the light, on the other hand, are more often supported by intangible impressions upon the spirit. We are left for the most part to rely on faith."

 Which, I guess, brings me back to the theme of the year: Faith.  I've known for a while that focusing on the negative doesn't bring good.  Even in personal mistakes, the hurt caused by others, and everyday problems- the answer rarely, if ever, lies in focusing on the wrong.  Instead, peace and joy comes in recognizing the power of the Atonement to forgive, heal, and help us move on.  When I make a mistake, I feel bad, but only long enough to remember the beautiful gift of the Christ's sacrifice.  From that point on, I must put all my efforts into becoming better, aided by the grace granted to those who repent.  When I am hurt by others, at some point focusing on the pain only blocks my ability to be healed.  Much like the ancient Israelites, we are often too preoccupied by our pain to look to the source of healing- when the dramatic irony is that if we would but look, we would be healed.

This post has been a bit of a word vomit, and I apologize.  But it's also a synthesis of so many things I'm coming to learn.

When we sin, mess up, get hurt, or do or feel any of the silly human things that we do- Remember:

  Preoccupation with unworthy behavior can lead to unworthy behavior. That is why we stress so forcefully the study of the doctrines of the gospel.

Focus on the good- the hope, the truth, and the light.  When we do, it will come.

...if you build it, they will come. :-)

Feedback confessional

One of the things that is really important to me is feedback- and I'd argue that it's important to all of us.  Whether it's feedback from things, ourselves, deity, or those around us, it's important.  In fact, in some aspects of the military, they break soldiers by just not giving them ANY feedback for a number of weeks.  No feedback ends up breaking people faster than even only negative feedback.

While negative feedback is important too, I strongly believe that reinforcement is much more effective than punishment.  And because giving negative feedback isn't usually what we struggle with, lately I've been working on the positive.  Silly things, it seems.  Calling a department store manager to let them know about a particularly helpful employee.  Filling out an online survey to point out someone who was doing a good job under pressure.  Letting those around me know I appreciate all the little things they do every day.  

It might seems silly- people tell me all the time that we shouldn't recognize people for normal things.  But I disagree.  If people are doing something good, even if it's normal for them, shouldn't it be recognized?  That's like saying we're only going to award good grades for students who were previously getting bad grades.  Improvement IS good, but it's not the only thing that deserves to be appreciated.  Those who have been working hard the whole time deserve recognition too.  

Yesterday, I was in Jamba Juice running an errand for my roommate.  It was CRAZY busy.  There was one girl who you could tell was new, and she was trying hard, but the pressure was getting to her.  She had a few minor slip-ups, and her boss was pretty condescending.  But she was working HARD and, despite the busyness, she delivered my order with a genuine smile.  And I really appreciated it.    

I strongly believe in feedback.  And I also believe in aiming to make our ratio of positive to negative feedback 5:1- in all aspects of life.  I don't want to be the person who only reports complaints.  I will report them when I have them, but until I do I'll focus on all of the good experiences.  I'm not saying we should make stuff up- I'm saying I want to notice the good more.  It's not that it's not there- I think I just take it for granted.  And happiness doesn't come from things getting better- it comes from realizing how great things really are.

Post Script: I know that a lot of people will disagree with me on this.  The more I think about it, though, the more the I realize that I want this to be one of the overriding philosophies of my life.  I want to show people that I appreciate them for all of the good things, and then deal with the bad when they come up- with kindness and a greater outpouring of love. [see Doctrine and Covenants 121: 41-45]

a note from John Gottman

I'm taking the quickest of breaks from outlining the new textbook my professor is using for psych 111 this fall, because I want to share this section of text with you.  This particular passage is about research done by John Gottman, a psychologist who specializes in marriage relationships.

"One of Gottman's key observations is the ratio of positive to negative comments in a couple's discussion of a problem.  Happy couples make 5 times more positive comments about each other and their relationship during these discussions (e.g., we laugh a lot versus we never have any fun).

In several places in this textbook, we have emphasized how the human mind is skewed toward the negative, like noticing bitter tastes over sweet.  This slant suggests that it is all too easy to focus on your partner's negative qualities, which will lead to negative emotions and conflict.  If we put our relationships on evolutionary cruise control, the ratio of positive to negative comments might drop to a point where the relationship is in danger.  Maintaining a more positive outlook on your partner requires attention and work."

Point made?  The way we talk to another person in a relationship isn't just "natural".  It takes work, dedication, and a whole lot of effort to make sure that we notice, point out, and dwell on the positive aspects of the relationship instead of the negative.  We are WIRED to do the opposite.  We aren't wired to talk about the positive things, and yet that's what relationships require to survive.  It's hard, but I it's also worth it.  Not just that, it's essential!

ok, ok, ranting done.  happy picture of a happy couple, just to leave things on a happy note...

An interesting view on same-sex marriage

Came across this article from my dear friend Jessie recently, and I agree with a lot of it.  It's an interesting use of ethos- the author used to be on one side of the issue, and is now arguing against her own arguments.  The main point of the article that I agree with is captured in this paragraph:

I initially approached the marriage question from a fundamentally incorrect starting position — implicitly adopting the argument that marriage exists for the benefit of adults, for their fulfillment and enjoyment.  This is a fundamentally selfish view of marriage (I’m getting married to fulfill me).  Instead, marriage is the fundamental building block of the family, the cultural cornerstone of a society, and it exists primarily for the benefit not of adults but of children.

And I believe she's right.  Marriage isn't for the parents, it's for the children.  Selfishness has no place in marriage, and we as a society have done seemingly everything possible in the past few decades to counteract that.  


This isn't just about same-sex marriage, it's about all marriages.  It's about the problems that have arisen from no-fault divorce laws and similar functions that, while originally designed to protect abused parties, have descended into a downward spiral of selfishness that we not only practice but teach through word and example to the rising generation.


Read the whole article here: http://blog.speakupmovement.org/university/uncategorized/i-was-wrong-about-marriage/