Thursday Thankfuls

Today I want to reflect on how much I have to be grateful for.

In today's economy, and as a psychology graduate, I have a job.  That is a blessing all by itself.  But to have a job that is challenging, a job I truly enjoy, and to be working for a great company with fantastic people and excellent benefits (not to mention all the food one can imagine)- that is a downright miracle.

I live in a pleasant apartment with women who both love me and give me the opportunity to love them.  My friends, family, and other acquaintances routinely provide me with opportunities to practice giving and receiving love.

I am healthy.  I have time, means, and willpower to eat well and exercise in ways that I find enjoyable!  Tonight I get to head to Peaks Ice Arena to try out my graduation present: brand new figure skates. (I might be a tad excited...)

And more than anything, I am happy.  For the past 4 months, I have figured out how to feel what I need to feel in order to regulate my emotions.  I often have days where I come home and hum and whistle as I clean the kitchen before heading onto my nightly activities.  It really doesn't matter all that much what I'm doing- because I've figured out how to choose peace and happiness.

I'm grateful to be alive, and I'm eternally grateful for knowledge of an Eternal Plan that brings me purpose, peace, and joy.

Mondays with...Lewis

Last night was crazy and I did what was needful- and it hurt, which is good, because it shows me I can still feel.  Today I started my new job and I LOVE IT.  Our boss reminded us that he didn't hire us to do a job, he hired us to think.  I feel challenged and excited and enthusiastic all at once. :-)

And because I'm going through Mere Christianity to find quotes for Jacquelyn, I'll share one that I strive to live by:

A real desire to believe all the good you can of others and to make others as comfortable as you can will solve most problems.

~ C. S. Lewis

Moving Forward and Finding Closure: Graduation and Weddings

This past week has been very full- but wonderfully so.  Thursday and Friday I hit a major milestone: I graduated from Brigham Young University with my Bachelor of Science degree in Psychology.  I wasn't really planning to walk, but my family came out and in the end I'm really glad I did.  It provided me some closure I didn't realize I wanted, and it was honestly just plain fun!

Elder L. Tom Perry spoke at the Commencement ceremonies on Thursday afternoon, and it was excellent.  I enjoyed the emphasis he placed on finding balance in life between physical and emotional health, developing personal worth, establishing financial security, and building spiritual strength.  Balance is important! (Read more about his address here.)

After Commencement on Thursday mine and Michael's families met up at a small park up Provo Canyon for food (5.27 lbs of tortellini, to be exact) and such.  We ended up playing Frisbee and chatting for a while, and it was really just a lot of fun!

Friday morning was my convocation ceremony, and while it was long and warm, I was significantly more excited than I thought I would be!  My favorite thoughts came from two of the speakers:

Success is in large measure determined by how we react to our failures- our failures are the building blocks of success. ~Geography Valedictorian  

Many of the most important things cannot be counted, ranked or quantified.  The things that matter most cannot be reduced to a number, rank, or quantity, but they will determine who you are. ~Main speaker...who I can't remember right now but will look up when I'm in Utah! 

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good. ~Samuel Johnson (quoted by main speaker)

Shortly after convocation on Friday (but not shortly enough that we couldn't eat some tortellini and finish packing) my Dad, Rae Lyn, Ben and I headed back to California.  We made it to Lovelock, Nevada (where ironically, five years ago I got in my first bad car accident) and spent the night in a quaint little hotel where the owner told me (with a straight face) that they didn't have bathrooms, and I believed him.  

After a good night's rest (and a long morning run), we drove the rest of the way to Nevada City, where I spent a few hours at my Mom's wedding reception.  It was harder than I'd like to admit, but I feel very blessed with strength to have been able to handle the occasion with grace and class.  My mom seemed happy, and I'm very grateful for the opportunity we all have to move forward in faith.  It was also really nice to see some old friends from Nevada City and Dixon and hear about their successes and lives.

By the time we made it back to Paradise on Saturday evening, I was exhausted.  I'm recovering now, and appreciating the time to relax, enjoy family, and delve into my library books.  I start work in 19 days- so I'm going to take full advantage of my remaining vacation!

Oh, and guess what?  I'm a college graduate!

Ben and I while waiting for Processional

I love my family- I'm so happy they came. 

Yeah, there were lots of us.  FHSS for the win!

I started to get really excited for my diploma case...

I made a new friend!  She is fantastic.

Enter to Learn, Go Forth to Serve
I really hope I can live up to this.

Obligatory Sibling Picture

Real life Sibling Picture

Michael and I after Commencement
(Shortly after Dad said, "Here, let me take one to send to the family" and I sort of flipped out envisioning a picture of myself and a boy being sent to 50+ relatives...)

Yep.

Today I:

Woke up at 6am.

Studied.

Went to Dance Aerobics.

Took a quiz in Spanish class.

Walked through (and slipped on) all the snow.

Worked for an 2 hours.

Finished my homework.

And it's only NOON.

I think that an episode of The Office and a nap are in order..

crazy whirlwind weekend

one hour drive - flight - three hour drive - high school football game - meeting little brother's friends - phone call - sleep - wedding wedding wedding - laughter - hugs - hiding - i love you - one hour drive - delicious soup - conversations with parents - basket weaving - phone call - sleep - church - deep thoughts - nap - drive two hours - family - giants game - nephew - sister - emotionally draining - laughter - competition - hugs - spaghetti - drive two hours - phone call - brother's bed - sleep - fire - serious talk - three hour drive - flight - short deep conversation - one hour drive - new taylor swift album - hugs - kisses - real relaxation - playing - grocery shopping - sweet note -  made bed - roommate moments - sleeping stationary spiders - teasing - tired - roommate bonding - realization - sleep

james joyce-ing it up

I've tried not to do this recently, but I'm on my computer and I can type a gabagillion times faster than I could ever write.

Everything is going to explode.  There's nothing new, nothing that's hard again--in fact things are just starting to get easier in a lot of ways.  But all the hard that has been happening lately, all the stuff that I've said is just fine and that I'm strong enough to handle...well, I'm NOT.  And shoving it down into the bottom of the ice cream cone doesn't help anyone, it just makes it harder to get to the chocolate candy at the bottom.  [stupid metaphor, I know.  it doesn't even make sense].  It's just...well, I don't know how to be anyone except the girl that gets things done.  I don't know how to believe that God could love me even if all I did was sit around all day.  But even more importantly, I don't know how to believe that balance is possible.  I feel like a break means I spend the rest of the day being worthless, or that productivity means that I can't take even one break.  It's all or nothing.  Either I stay and be perfect or I run far, far away.  All the studies say you're more productive when you take breaks, but I'm not.  I get distracted and then feel worthless and then can't do what it was I was supposed to be doing in the first place.  So I don't take breaks, I push through until I can't take it anymore and then I break.  I fall apart.  I get so strung up that all I can do is sob.  And then I'm at square one again, rejuvenated enough to move on and get some more stuff done, but never really learning how to be happy and rested.

I know I'll figure this out eventually.  It's just hard to believe when I'm still caught in the cycle.  HOPE.

Time for Honesty

Given that I'm writing a talk on honesty tonight, I thought I'd get some things off my chest- honestly.

I want to be CONSISTENT, dang it.  I hate having my feelings wrenched around my heart like the spinning teacups ride.  No matter where I end up, I still feel dizzy.

I love the Avengers, even the second time.  Possibly more so.

I'm worried sick about those I love.  So many people that are struggling, so many to help and hold and keep.  So much truth I wish I could share, but not quite knowing how.  My sister, my mom, and all my roommates.  Why can't I fix everything?  I guess the better question is this: how do I be okay recognizing that others making the right choices isn't necessarily the most important thing, it's allowing them to use their agency in the best possible way.  (Thank you again, Joss Whedon).

Today I did something I've never done before.  I ran six miles.  SIX MILES.  The last mile was so, so hard- but I did it, with the help and support of my great roommate (and some angels, I'm sure).  It feels so good to know that by body is capable of so much.

I wish I could stop directing my resentful feelings toward others.  I have so much to be grateful for, and everyone is living their life in the best way they know how.

And sometimes...sometimes you just have to cry.

This is one heck of a journey.  While I love the steps along the way, sometimes it's hard not to wish I could just skip to the end already.

when did i get so busy?

Still sick with a raging sore throat and man-voice. (Yeah, I know that's a gender stereotype.  Deal with it.)
Just finished an incredibly long day of class, homework, writing an IRB proposal, and rehearsal.
Tomorrow promises to be even longer.
But I enjoy being busy.  I love having purpose.
So I forge ahead, excited for the adventures of another day,
and fall, exhausted, into bed.

I need to find the balance between this and the way my life used to be.
Or maybe this is the opportunity to buckle down and prove that I can be exactly the girl I want to be.