Follow-up Post: Bonds that Make us Free

Some of my personal thoughts, stream of consciousness style, on forgiveness, spurred by C. Terry Warner's book, Bonds that Make us Free.

Just because I know I should forgive doesn't make it easy.  There is a stark difference between a change of mind and a change of heart.  In the Sermon on the Mount, Christ declared:

Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:
But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.
And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also.
And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain.
Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.
Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.  Matthew 5:38-44

I realized recently that I believe these words- with all that I am.  They resonate deeply within me.  And I think now I am beginning to understand why.  So long as my concern is in protecting myself, I cannot freely love.  This does not mean allowing myself to be abused, because that would be collusion.  What it does mean is that when I have the Spirit, and when I love others deeply, I will not act wrongly toward them.  I will desire their eternal joy, which will in turn be my greatest protection and facilitate their greatest opportunity to be kind and truthful- because kindness cleaveth unto kindness, and light unto light.

Truly loving others doesn't mean being a martyr, it means seeing and treating others as the children of God that they are.  It means frankly forgiving, and following the guidance of the Spirit to help set them up for eternal success.  When we live in constant fear that others will hurt us, we are almost asking them to.  But when we expect others to live up to their divine potential, they may actually do so- and because we are following the Savior, we will be placing ourselves in the best possible position to be warned of and protected from evil.

Don't count the cost of kindness- just do it.  In the long run it does make sense, and of course it does- it's a divine commandment, but don't wait for an apology or complete understanding of all the reasons.  Just Forgive.

Book Review: Bonds that Make us Free

Before I say anything else, I want to say this: 

Read this book.  

I won't be able to convey the full meaning of the book in this brief synopsis, and reading is really more of an experience than an accumulation of facts and quotes.  It may not touch you in the same way it touched me.  But in the off chance that it does, it's worth it.  It was a game changer.  And so I start this review with the same invitation as the preface:

Test everything...against your own thoughtfully considered experience.  If you are honest about that experience, what is true will ring true- you will not have to rely on my say-so or anybody else's.  No self-proclaimed human authority will serve you better than your own straightforward sense of what is right." (xiv) 

Bonds that Make us Free: Healing our Relationships, Coming to Ourselves, written by C. Terry Warner, focuses on the notion of a concept called self-betrayal.  Essentialy, self-betrayal occurs when we feel that we ought to act or feel in a certain way, and we don't.  This could mean a kind thought or deed we don't express or an unkind one we do.  Ultimately, each time we fail to heed these promptings, or invitations, to act in the truthfulness of who we really are, we engage in self-betrayal.  

Each time we betray ourselves, we then feel a need to justify ourselves.  We do this by coming up with excuses for our thoughts or behavior, often very externally valid ones, or by incriminating others.  Doing so leads to a process of collusion, in which we betray ourselves and practically plead with others to act wrongly toward us.  Warner argues that the basis of our pain, suffering, and unhappiness in life is self-betrayal.  According to him:

Happiness is more like a decision than a condition.  It is a decision anyone can make, anywhere, and at any time.  For it is not the enjoyableness of objects or activities or opportunities that makes us happy or unhappy; rather, our happiness, rooted in our relationships, makes objects and activities enjoyable.  Things, events, and opportunities have no value in and of themselves; they get their value from the significant part they play in our key relationships with others. Thus life's being hard does not force us to adopt a resentful attitude.  Life becomes hard to bear only when we, as self-betrayers, cast ourselves in a victim's role by regarding others as our victimizers and nurse our misfortunes as if they were badges of honor. (54)

This is especially important in our relationships with others.  "The kind of people we are cannot be separated from how we interpret the world around us...We are who we are in relation to others." (41)

So how do we attain a state of peace and joy, without betrayal?  We position ourselves with a "receptive posture toward the truth" (162), sincerely asking in each situation of tension, "Might I be in the wrong?" (197).  And one surefire way to know if we are acting truthfully is indicated in our orientation toward others.  For, as Warner states, "The emotion we experience in the presence of truth is love."  And, "The more actively we engage ourselves in bonds of love, the less susceptible we will be to getting ourselves stuck in anguished bonds of collusion."

I believe this indicates that our role as a human being is to be loving toward others- to feel and act in sincerity, love, and kindness to all those around us.  As Kierkegaard says, "Love is the expression of the one who loves, not of the one who is loved."  When we act truthfully toward others, with sincere love, we invite them to act that way toward us.  "Great is the influence of those souls who are sensitive to how they affect others (which does not mean seeking to please others but doing what will actually help them), and who govern themselves according to that sense." (pg. 320).

Healing joy

Lesson learned:

True joy in healing comes not through careful inspection of our wounds, but in finding something beautiful enough to distract us while the new skin forms.

Late night childish words:

I measure my happiness by dropper-fulls
And how well I use my thumbs;
By ease of sharing deepest thoughts
Without ever feeling dumb.

The joy of playing childhood games
Replaces clutched anxiety
As confidence is shown and felt
In place of notoriety.

I may not analyze each moment
Or always show my wit
But there's peace in never questioning
If there's room for two to fit.

A grateful independence
Shines in her gleaming eyes
As encouragement and praise
Still take her by surprise.

The unexpected chivalry
The candor in your smile
The silly grin that draws her in
And makes her feel worthwhile.

Distraction draws out venom
And facilitates forgiveness
As patience plays of petrichor
And marvels in its stillness.

You may not ever truly know
The pain behind those eyes
For she's learning now of blessed peace
That in fulfillment lies.

There's always been a measure
Of clinging to the past
But now that faith means hoping on
Her heart can heal at last.

The secret to healing, to peace, is to calm your mind so that you can listen to the things that matter most.

The Master Healer

Note: This post is highly personal. All are welcome to read it, I would just add a respectful reminder that I do not talk about my beliefs to preach or indoctrinate others, but rather to share some of what is most sacred to my heart.

"Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

In Sunday School today we were discussing Christ's visit to the Americas in 3 Nephi. The teacher invited us to ponder on what we would do in that situation. It's a soul searching question.

In chapter 17, He heals all of the people, those that were afflicted in any manner. I know many that are hurting, that are wounded. Some of the pain is physical, but the more pervasive wounds that I know of are the emotional, mental, and spiritual ones. This is that pain that aches deep inside, the kind that we don't know a way out of.

There are a number of people in my life right now who are experiencing all sorts of pain. My heart aches for them. Possibly because I understand to some degree what it means to hurt. Or in part because I see a small part of their suffering, and know that there is so much more I can't see. I want to heal their wounds, to make them whole...but I can't. Not truly.

Which is how I know that, were the Savior to come to my home, my greatest desire would be to take him to those that are hurting, to have him administer to their needs in ways that I never could. I would want him to make them whole.

The Savior isn't physically here today, but that doesn't mean he isn't with us. Over the past year I have learned firsthand how deeply He cares for me, and how many of my wounds he can heal through faith and prayer. It isn't the same as having him physically with me, but it's also not as if he has abandoned me. It takes more faith, more patience, and more trust- but all of that is part of the experience of mortality. We are here to learn, but we are not here because we are intended to hurt forever. There is a way for us to have healing. There is a way to experience joy, love, and continual hope. He is the way.

And I am so, so grateful for it.