Happy

Dancing, figure skating, roller skating, friends, sunshine, hope, waltz jumps, peace, long talks and gloriously sore muscles.

I didn't know it was possible to be this happy.

Ether 12:27

Minutes pass by, unencumbered

wishing, wasting, waiting.

certain that no deed of now

could be worth work of baiting

a humble jolt of realization

deadens all my senses;

understanding apathy

was under good pretenses

yet pretense doesn't mitigate

erosion of the soul

and realization can't reform

and make what's empty full

diligence and patience

contradict, yet must be married

silence isn't peace

for those who long have tarried

weakness; clarity of fault

can languish into shame

or, humbly, bow and be raised up

with joy in each refrain

Grateful

I've been struggling with complaining and feeling a bit grumpy lately- and our router breaking last night didn't help.  But when it comes down to it, I have so much more to be grateful for than not in my life right now (and always).  So here's a bit of gratitude word-vomit.

new routers * working cars * temple visits with old roommates * moments of enveloping peace * epic ice skating fails * delicious food * winning random contests * feeling strong and healthy * rocking pruebas * Pinterest with all the roommates * beautiful, inspiring, though-provoking words * hope for climbing mountains * reminders of funny stories * international cinema * hilarious engineer jokes * warm blankets * chocolate * fresh spinach * wool socks * learning to be honest about my family * Russian figure skating hair * important conversations * reminders that you are loved * awe-inspiring stars * a bed so warm I don't want to get up * Orson Scott Card and my revival of fantasy * opera * women I love and respect * skyping with my nephew * hope for things to come * magic * honesty about everything * peace * learning to love strangers * sock buns * purple nail polish * C.S. Lewis * scriptures * ample time to journal *

I have so much to be grateful for.  

Today, I am most grateful that I finally feel like I'm LIVING.

Music for my Soul

Today my ward had our Easter program early because our ward choir director is getting married! There was a tremendous amount of beautiful music, and I was reminded again of how close to heaven I feel when I can let go and allow myself to be encompassed by words and notes. One song in particular really touched me. As I sat listening, I closed my eyes and leaned my head back, reminded of the great peace I feel in my Heavenly Father's care, as well as my gratitude for the grace and enabling power of the Atonement.

Here's a version I love (and not just because it has Spanish subtitles):

Peace and Joy

There have been hard times in my life where I've learned that even when I can't turn to anyone else, my Heavenly Father loves me unconditionally and perfectly.

But in the past week, I've had the blessing of feeling the love of God through others.  I am so grateful and almost overwhelmed by the many people and opportunities He has sent my way to remind me that I am loved, and that He wants me to be happy.

I've also learned that two of the greatest joys in this life are knowing that you are right before God, and having the opportunity to share His love with others. 

My heart has a yearning that only a summer thunderstorm can remedy...

Unleashing the Dormant Spirit

A few years ago, I was introduced to this clip, Advice from Elder Busche.  It's been a constant favorite of mine, and something that brings me great strength and peace.

Until a few days ago, I had never actually looked up the talk that this came from.  Turns out it was from a BYU Devotional in 1996, Unleashing the Dormant Spirit.  I've been studying it over the past week, and wanted to share some of the thoughts I've learned.

First, "nothing really matters unless we take the Holy Spirit as our guide and avoid being deceived. "  This is, or ought to be, a guiding principle in our lives: unless we can discern between the Holy Ghost and Satan (Good and Evil), we really have no solid foundation for our actions.

So how do we make this judgement?  Elder Busche recommends that we apply Luke 14:33. (Whosoever he be of you that forsaketh not all that he hath, he cannot be my disciple.)  In his own words, Elder Busche suggests that if we can reply according to the following, we know we are following the Holy Spirit: "Yes.  I am a disciple of Christ.  I'm willing to sacrifice my own will, my habits, attitudes, and selfish desires, and endure the hurt and pain that such reflections cause, and bring to him as a sacrifice a broken heart and meek spirit."

Once we have figured out how to discern the Spirit, Elder Busche reminds us of the importance of being under its influence.  "None of us has enough wisdom, enough intelligence, enough knowledge, enough skills, or enough courage, by ourselves, to master our lives and even to succeed in life unless we learn what it means to surrender ourselves into the arms of the Lord and be filled with the Spirit.  He wants to empower us with the gifts that he has promised to give to each of his disciples who has made sacred covenants with him."

One of the beautiful aspects of the Spirit is that is changes not only what we do, but how we do it.  "...under the influence of the Spirit we act in wisdom.  We see the complexity of a problem in its simple parts, and we see the possible solutions unfolding in front of our eyes- to our own surprise. ...Our creativity is developed and multiplied.  That which is a burden without it becomes a privilege when we are under the influence of the Holy Ghost."

A bit later on in the devotional, Elder Busche makes a connection between the Holy Spirit and humility that was especially striking to me.  He explains that, essentially, sin is any time that we are not acting under the complete influence of the Spirit- which is something that happens every day!  So, when we recognize our potential, our responsibility, as disciples of Christ to be under the constant guidance of the Spirit, and then recognize that we cannot possibly attain that on our own, we are able to cultivate humility: a recognition of our weaknesses and a beautiful and bright hope in the redeeming power of grace. As he says, "Seeing ourselves in our full responsibility means also seeing ourselves in our weakness, in our lost opportunities, in our failures- which makes us humble and meek.  We see the necessity to enter into a covenant with the author of life, to activate the atoning blood of Christ to wash us clean, and to embrace, gratefully, the gracious gifts of the Holy Ghost for our essential empowerment."

After we recognize the deep need we have for the influence of the Spirit in our lives, Elder Busche discusses why we don't always have it's companionship.  Ultimately, it comes down to one thing: desire.  "All of our life's actions are the result of our desires."  We must desire- more than anything, more than life itself -to be under the complete influence of the Spirit.  Elder Busche counsels that we must organize and categorize our desires in our prayers in order for the Spirit to take us seriously.  

I love his words near the end: "When the Light of Christ is able to penetrate our hearts, prompted by the enlightened testimony of truth by a focused teacher, it will cause in us an awakening, an awakening of the real me, the child of God, so that we can learn to channel our desires to focus on our true needs."

Our true needs.  Our innermost desires to return to and become like our Heavenly Father, and to feel of his constant peace and love.  When I am closest to my Heavenly Father, this is what I desire more than anything.  I don't always feel it as strongly as I would like, but I relish in the moments that I do.

It reminds me of when the Savior came to visit the Nephites.  The account tells that the people prayed for what they "most desired"- that the Holy Ghost should be given to them.  

Our physical wants and needs often get in the way of this- as does our laziness, apathy, and pride.  But when it comes down to it, I sincerely hope that I can be humble enough, aware enough of who I truly am, to counsel with my Heavenly Father, heed his Holy Spirit, and rejoice in the glory of the Atonement that allows me to become so much more perfect than I could ever be on my own.