confession

sometimes i complain about school.  but it's not real, because school has never really scared me.

but getting a real job?  going to a career fair?  handing people my resume? TALKING to recruiters?

THAT scares me.

Yep.

Today I:

Woke up at 6am.

Studied.

Went to Dance Aerobics.

Took a quiz in Spanish class.

Walked through (and slipped on) all the snow.

Worked for an 2 hours.

Finished my homework.

And it's only NOON.

I think that an episode of The Office and a nap are in order..

On hoping for a Liahona

This morning in studying the Book of Mormon I came across a passage of scripture I've read dozens of times:

And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord spake unto my father by night, and commanded him that on the morrow he should take his journey into the wilderness.

And it came to pass that as my father arose in the morning, and went forth to the tent door, to his great astonishment he beheld upon the ground a round ball of curious workmanship; and it was of fine brass.  And within the ball were two spindles; and the one pointed the way whither we should go into the wilderness. 1 Nephi 16: 9-10 

For all the times I've read this, I never before made the connection between these two verses.  I recognize that this is my own interpretation, but here's what I realized:

The Liahona, the "ball of curious workmanship" that became so essential in leading Lehi's family to "the more fertile parts of the wilderness", only became available to Lehi after he had followed the divine counsel to begin their journey into the wilderness.

I'm fictionalizing a bit here, but this is sort of what I imagine it was like...

One night, as Lehi is preparing for bed, he receives a strong prompting that tomorrow the family needs to begin their journey.  As the night wears on, Lehi speaks with Sariah about it, and they make plans to prepare the family for the next day's journey.  They were likely uncertain where exactly they were going, but nonetheless knew that they needed to go.

The next morning, after Lehi and Sariah likely had to fight off many doubts and fears, they are blessed with a divine instrument that shows them each day where to go.  It is so clearly a direct reward for their faith and immediate action.  But even the Liahona works "after the manner of their faith".  The scriptures imply that they would wake up in the morning and look to see which way the arrow was pointing- never really knowing from one day to the next where they were to go.

Bottom line: We are blessed for acting on faith.  When Lehi chose to follow the Lord's counsel to journey into the wilderness, he had no idea that he would be blessed with the Liahona.  Often, we want to know everything about a decision before making it- we strive to be logical, rational creates.  But the truth is, often Father has incredible blessings in store that we can't even imagine, and we won't ever know about until we act and move forward in faith.  Think about how much easier it would have been for Lehi if he had known about the Liahona- "Oh, I'm going to have a magic compass to tell us where we should travel?  That sounds great!  Lets go!".  Or, more practically in modern times...imagine how much more willing we would be to act on faith if we knew the blessings associated with it... "Oh, going to this grad school will enable me to provide for my family and have more missionary opportunities?  Of course I'll go!" or "Picking up and moving in the middle of high school will enable me to meet my best friend?  That sounds great!"  or  "If I make time to have that hard discussion with _____, it will help them get back on the right path?  Perfect!"

Moving forward in faith is hard.  It just is.  But sometimes we have to remember that it's not that specific choice we need to have faith in- it's our Heavenly Father.  We need to trust that He does in fact know what is best for us, and He he loves us perfectly.  And, because of both His perfect love and perfect knowledge, He knows the best blessings to give us.  But we have to want them enough to trust Him, listen, and act.

the little things

Sometimes the simplest things make me happy.  Actually, it's almost always the simplest things.  And that's just the way it was intended.

"Behold I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.  And the Lord God doth work by means to bring about his great and eternal purposes; and by very small means the Lord doth confound the wise bringeth about the salvation of many souls." Alma 37:6-7

And today, it was those simple things.

inspired church meetings of teaching and peace
those few warm hours before the snow hit
a beautiful world covered in white
grateful words
fun and successful cooking endeavors
roommates I love and feel comfortable around
crater cupcakes
visiting teachers that I actually like!
the vicarious joy of a distant friend who found love
learning to dream
hope for the future

Tomorrow, I hope I can remember to appreciate the little things.

Because even though I didn't get to stay up all night and watch movies, I'm grateful that I can laugh about it with those I love.

2013: Moving Forward in Faith

For much of my life, I've been focused on just getting through.  I've faced a handful of trials, and I've made an incredible journey in the past few years toward an understand of the healing power of the Atonement.  And now, I think the lesson I need to learn is how to move forward in faith.  I've had enough experiences with my Heavenly Father to trust that He knows what I need, and that if I keep my hands in His hands and keep moving forward, He will guide me and endow me with strength.

2013 is my year of Moving Forward in Faith  

As such, I've made some goals.  Usually during January I focus on the progress I've made during the past year.  This year, however, I want to focus on the things I'm looking forward to.

Goals for 2013:

1) Read in the scriptures and pray daily
2) Make two (2) big, important decisions with confidence
3) Graduate with my Bachelor's
4) Apply to graduate school
5) Get a real-person job!
6) Shift my exercise and eating habits to a focus on health, not appearance
7) Merge my ideas and actions so that I can be an example in word and deed of what I believe
8) Develop a working knowledge of Spanish- be able to hold my own in a conversation!

I'm excited for this year.  I've never been so uncertain and yet so full of hope and faith at the same time.  I am ready to move forward and to face the challenges and joys to come.

Beyond Happy

I just wanted to take a moment to record how incredibly happy and blessed I feel at this moment.  I have an intense sense of awe and wonder in my life right now, and a large part of me wonders how I could possibly deserve it.  I am so blessed to have wonderful close friends who fill me with love and joy.  They treat me with such love and kindness that I can't contain my gratitude.  I wish I could show my thanks in more than words...and yet I feel so inadequate.  So sometimes, I just stand and smile, hoping that somehow that my smile can convey the gratitude I feel for their happiness, joy, care, and  awesomeness.

Thank goodness.

Two Towers

So often I find my world shaking and crumbling. I make mistakes. I feel guilt. I suffer the consequences of those I love making choices that lead to pain. I struggle to assess and reassess how to live and learn. I pour my soul out in words only to discover I've been muted by pain or pride. So I offer myself through warmth and softness, and those too are lost in the rubble of doubt and fear.

And yet, amidst the wreckage, I find that two things stand firm: truth and love. While it may feel as though you drop pebbles into a bottomless well, there is hope. Standards to truth will always arise to clear the fog. Love that is given accumulates to form intangible bonds of strength that eventually become too strong to deny. If you search hard enough, you will always find truth. And if you love long enough, it will always make a difference.