Closing Night

My show went amazingly well this weekend.  I'm exhausted, yet strangely hyper.  This week I have four midterms, and I'm getting my wisdom teeth taken out.  But I'm not stressed, because I love my cast, I love the friends I'm making, and I'm loving life.  It's full of meaningful moments and just enough relationship drama to make it feel real.  Tonight life isn't easy, in fact it's night unto impossible to really keep a handle on things, but it is so worth it.  I'm learning to love this roller coaster.

The Typewriter

Ever since I was a little girl, I have wished for a magic typewriter.  I wanted a typewriter that could hook up to my brain and write out my thoughts as they happened.  Then, later, I could go through the pages and pages of thoughts if I ever needed to remember how I worded something in my thoughts.  Often, when I think things, I am worried that I won't be able to remember them as eloquently as they were first thought.  That's where the typewriter would come in handy.

This is a week I've really longed for the typewriter.  With so little free time and so, so many thoughts, it would have come in handy.  But, alas, I don't have the fair typewriter to save me from my human failings.  So, if I were to have a typewriter, these are the main topics that would come up this week/today:

Opening Night.  Fantastic.
Stress, busy, but loving it.
Boys. New. Old. Fun.
People, isolation. Hope.
Criminal psychology.
Loving my job.
Potential for money. FAFSA.
Friends. Grateful.
Headaches.
Falling asleep on the couch.
Lie to Me.
Celiac. Nosebleeds.

So much is happening in my life right now.  I don't ever really feel like I can keep on top of it all...but I love it nonetheless.  Just when I was starting to think that my life was heading on a downward trajectory again, I am filled with love, laughter, and hope.

What is life, if not a roller coaster of joy, tragedy, and the apathetic moments in between?  I choose to cherish it.  Even the moments when I'm plunging straight down and screaming my head off.  Because even if I spent 80% of the ride screaming, I still want to ride again when I get off.

Today deserves a recap.

I am reading my professors master's thesis on Deception Detection in FBI investigations...and it is honestly one of the most fascinating things I have ever read.  I am really unsure as to why these things fascinate me so much.  But I know they do, so I'm going to run with it!  On the docket tonight: Lie To Me.

Music has been especially absent in my life as of late.  With so much busyness and having lost my ipod, I've missed it.  As I sat down to review my accounting notes and plunged in to Pandora, I remembered just how much power music has in my life.  And I've taken a bit of a folksy turn lately. Kris Allen and Jason Mraz have been lifting my spirits quite a bit today.  This one, not so folksy, but particularly inspirational:

Tonight I felt more like a college girl than I have in a while.  I plastered posters for my play on the doors of my apartment complex.  Some doors...well, some doors got more posters than others.  It was fun. 

Not a lot of deep thought today, just trying to keep up with life, hold on, and find the joy in it. 

confession:

Sometimes, I am that girl.  You know the one.  The girl who can't let go of any guy, even the ones she's not interested in.  Who has to have all the male attention all the time.

I'm not proud of it.  And I don't know why I do it.  Even boys I KNOW I don't like, boys I never ever want to date...it drives me crazy when they turn their attentions toward someone else.  I try so hard to be happy for the other girls, to really hope things will turn out well for them.  Heck, I feel like it's easier if I DO really love the boy, because then I am at least hoping he finds joy.

They say the first step toward change is in recognizing that something is wrong.  Because, really...if I could just maintain the attention of the right guy, that would be enough for me.

Enough.  Confessional closed for the night.

allow me a moment.

I believe in love.  I've read about it, written about it, sung about it, listened to it, and most of all, I've lived it.  I know what a part of love feels like.  I know how it colors your whole world, giving you a reason to get up in the morning and keeps a secret smile in the crooks of your mouth all day.  I know that it makes you feel safe, secure, and gives you hope.  But I also know how quickly it can all change.

I don't know why, but I still miss you.  I worry that I will never find what we had.  The progress I've made as a person in the past 8 months is something I wouldn't trade, but I wish I could have both.  I know I'm young, and I know I will...but sometimes I wish I could just fast-forward to that part.  Although, once I got there, I'm sure I would wish I could go back again.

Bottom Line: I miss being in love.

Alright, I'm done with that now, I just needed to get it out of my system.  Back to life and priorities.  Time to focus on where I'm going and how I can make the world a better place.  At the right time, love will find me.

...sporadic

I've been up and down like crazy lately.  I'm starting to worry again.  I'm missing you again.  Sleep deprived, worrying, and wondering.  Some days, I wonder what it would be like to be come home to someone you felt safe with.

ideas as life as theater

Being at a Univeristy, especially this one, is an incredible experience.  I have the opportunity to network with so many incredible people that have the life experience to help me change the world.  Last week I had the opportunity to go to a screening of a student film production that is being released as a professional film at festivals across the world- and I went in the company of the casting director.  This morning my theater history class was visited by a creative executive from Disney who premiered a new short that hasn't yet been publicly released.  Today I had a discussion at work with a researcher about all of the many research ideas we have-and the fact that we are encouraged to jump right in and learn do something about the issues we care about.

What I love most of all is the opportunity to think.  Today I realized what it is about theater that strikes me so much.  With film, performance is caught on tape.  You can hold onto it forever and can replay it as many times as you want.  But with live theater, hours and hours of work go into one night with each audience.  For one night, you have intimate access to an audience.  You have the opportunity and responsibility to bring them into your world, make them think, and create something so magical that the audience will be grasping onto your every moment.  And that magic can never, ever been exactly reproduced.  To me, to create theater is to practice how one ought to live life- it's the process, the very moment that matters most.  Because it is in those pivotal, precious moment that everything happens.  There is no rewind, no fast forward, and no re-takes.  It's all about the energy of the moment. 

Ideas are life changing.  I have so many of them, every day.  And every day my life changes so much.  What would this life be without progression?

Awfully boring, for certain!