Grateful

My pet peeve is when stores put out Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving.  It is the one holiday we have where we get to celebrate all that we are grateful for in our lives, and it is so often overshadowed by consumerism.

Tonight, I am overwhelmed by all that I have to be grateful for.

I had a most productive day, and was able to get through 11 hours of school with a clear mind and fervent determination.  Friends found their way into my life this evening in random bits and pieces, but just enough to keep me on track and remembering to focus on others.  My amazing roommate and her editing skills helped me with a paper I've been struggling with, and somehow managed to give me exactly the direction I needed.  A beautiful night walk to the store to pick up some limes was just right tonight to feel cared about without being a distraction.  My daddy and step-mom are coming into town this weekend.  And it's General Conference!

my life is beautiful, busy, and perfect.  I am so blessed.

be patient

If it's a broken heart then face it...

hold your own

know your name

and go your own way.

Everything will be Fine.

Keep on keeping on.

loved.

Look at me so you can see how beautiful you are.

I am so grateful for the times I have felt cared for and the wonderful people in my life who remind me that I am loved.

Actress

I love theater.  I'm so grateful for it, and for the time in my life that it gave me a healthy outlet to play and laugh and pretend.  The blissful memories, the friends I made, and the skills I learned.  Mostly, I love theater for the escape it has been in my life.

And yet, now it's holding me back.  Just when I think I'm being transparent about the way I feel, I learn that only those who are the very closest to me can even tell that something's amiss.  Even in my attempts to let others in, through what seems like desperate pleas for caring, I come across as fine.  Grumpy, tired, and hungry, sure.  But ultimately fine.

Why do I act?  More to the point, why am I so good at it that others can't even tell what I'm really feeling?  And how can I change?  Life is full of paradoxes, and us trying to making opposing concepts fit together in seemingly impossible ways.  I'm grateful for challenges and opportunities to learn and grow.

...and sometimes, I get frustrated.  I hate having to ask for hugs or help.  Wouldn't it just be so much easier if people could tell what I needed?

Halfway there!

In the past week, I have learned:

1) Heavenly Father answers prayers.  Usually he answers them through other people, and often confirmation of the answer requires us to take a few steps into the dark.  But He always answers.  And there is power in numbers.  Sometimes, when a lot of people are praying for the same thing, Father cuts out all the stops and really shows us that He is pulling for us.

2) Moods happen.  Some days are good, some days not so much.  There are days where the only thing we truly have control over is how we react.  There is great power in learning to see the best in people and situations, and in realizing that often people's actions are very much a product of a day much worse than ours.  Also, sometimes it's okay to feel down.  Feel it, relish in it, and get a milkshake.  Go to bed early, and plan how you'll make tomorrow better.

3) Life is about climbing mountains.  This has been especially evident for me in work lately.  I'm always pumped after a work meeting, and then I spend the next week dreading the ambiguous things I have to do.  School can be like this too.  Most of the time, life is about the hard work of climbing.  It's important to take time to see the beautiful things on the way up, and keep the goal of the top in mind.

Current Favorite Talk: Finding Joy in the Journey, by President Thomas S. Monson

Current Frustrations: computer and battery malfunctions, nightmares, being sore, and how much the Diamondbacks keep winning.

Current Blessings: a peaceful apartment, getting ahead on a group project, chocolate chip cookies and a brownie, supportive friends, book refunds, finally getting office installed, and an understanding boss.

Life is Good.  Chin up, and push forward to the weekend!

coming soon.

my life is amazing.

This I Know

In doing our best and trying our hardest, things will always work out the way Father intends them, with our happiness at heart.  Challenges and struggles are opportunities to learn and grow, and there are ways to find peace amid confusion.  No matter what life throws at us, it is manageable with faith, good friends, and a firm foundation.  And finally, there is no substitute for the feeling of peace in the home.

There is peace, hope, and joy in the plan.  What a blessed life we lead.

I've been a short spastic blogger of late.  I love the opportunity to simply be as I am.

Plan:

Read. Sleep. Pray. Ponder. Temple. Think. DECIDE.

No Pressure.

Inspired by "A Hidden Wholeness" by Parker Palmer

Reach inward toward your own wholeness, reach outward toward the world's needs, and seek to live your life at the authentic intersection of the two.

Existentialism on Prom Night

Today I spent hours cleaning, and it feels so good to call this apartment home.

Curtain fabric has been purchased, and I have not been this excited about domesticity in a long time.

My posts recently have mostly had to do with the events of my days.  I fear I am clinging to the structure that makes me feel comfortable, not the ebb and flow of emotions and moods that really matter.  The biggest reality check I had today was my inability to answer the question "What's wrong?".  I can't expect anyone else to figure it out for me, but I also can't shake the feeling that I can't relax in this situation.  It doesn't feel peaceful, it feels like itchy complacency.  

Chocolate banana bread.  

I love everything about today!

It should have been complicated, but today I made good choices that led me to a simpler life, full of peace.  I played the piano and put my head down to peaceful music.  For the first time, I really listened during testimony meeting and learned from the experiences of others.  I put aside my concerns of what others think and had a blast getting to know people.  I laughed like crazy.  I enjoyed Treasure Planet and annoyed everyone by knowing all the lines.  I ate brownies and chocolate banana bread.  I was independent when I felt like it, and gave love when I could.  I watched cerebral British television.  I signed up for a dinner group and an inter-mural Ultimate Frisbee team. And now I'm going to read The Hunger Games and go to sleep, all before I'm thoroughly exhausted.

No school tomorrow, and Celeste gets back on Tuesday!!!

I love being in a good mood. : )

2am musings

Sometimes the hardest thing is also the right thing.  

And sometimes we confuse ourselves about what the hardest thing actually is, pretending that the safe thing is the hardest, when really the scariest thing is to be vulnerable, open and honest without knowing what you'll get in return.  How sad that we willingly face the option that brings us sure pain, and we take comfort in the predictability of martyrdom, when true courage and any hope for increased joy lies in the taking of risks. 

just a good day.

Today was fantastic.  I was on campus from 8 to 6, going to class, working, and overall just being productive.  I'm loving school and being inspired, and enjoying the moments to really get things done.  This evening I played Ultimate Frisbee with a bunch of guys in my ward, and it was a blast.  How great it feels to run and be competitive!  Then a nice walk to get dinner, and some amusing British television with the boys.

I still have unanswered questions and concerns, but it feels so good today to let them go for a moment, and just enjoy life.  How beautiful life can be when not tediously over-thought!

stories

More and more, I'm realizing that how we feel about what happens is often so much more important than what actually happens.  We can tell our story in a million different ways using the same facts, but the only story that really matters is the one that resonates within us.  How important it is, then, not to undervalue our feelings and instincts.  It is this that makes our story uniquely ours, and not a performance we portray differently in each situation.