transcription troubles

after rewinding dozens of times, speeding up and slowing down the playback, and agonizing over an unidentifiable few lines of dialog I was trying to describe, I finally realized what it said:

"There's a spider in your hair."

"A spider?"

"Yeah, now it's on your shoulder."

That was certainly a good use of my time. *sigh*

Saturday Night Manifesto

I believe in days that start out poorly with unlimited potential.  I believe in long hours of work doing what you love.  I believe in ideals, questions, and being honest about your uncertainties.  I believe in telling the truth to your children, even about Santa Claus.  I believe in bacon cheeseburgers and fries that taste like whole potatoes.  I believe in good friends who love you, and for some reason it's okay not to know exactly what that means.  I believe in quiet uncertainty about what matters most, and solid security in the basics.  I believe in working hard, playing hard, and dreaming big.  I believe in sunrises, sunsets, and rain.  I believe in hot Arizona days and the beauty of a frozen world covered in white.  I believe in the spirit of the law.  I believe in authenticity.  I believe in scars, overprotective parents, challenging the stereotypes and changing the endings.  I believe in believing in something.

lit review

I'm not quite sure how I've made it four semesters into my college education before having to write a literature review, but it's true.  Now, however, I find myself in the midst of my first experience writing a lit review, only to be working on two at the same time: one for class, and one for work.  For those of you unfamiliar with literature reviews, they take a lot of time, even more reading, a strong sense of discipline, and intense mental organizational capabilities.

My brain kind've feels like it's going to explode with all of the information...but at the same time it is exiting to be learning so much and feel like an expert on a topic.

But my word to future lit review writers....don't procrastinate.  It will take more time than you think.

Today was:

Not as productive as it should have been.
BYU lost to Florida in overtime.
We drowned our sorrows with milkshakes,
followed up with good conversation.
Things are going to be okay.

Sometimes, life is just what I need it to be

Feminism

I am a Feminist.  It's not contradictory with my faith, in fact I think my personal beliefs would be lacking without my feminist ideals.  I've attached an interesting article that I believe nicely outlines Feminism in an LDS context, it's problems, and the ways in which we still haven't quite gotten it.  I agree with almost everything in there.

http://squaretwo.org/Sq2ArticleHardyFeminism.html

This article made me think a lot.  One quote, in particular, struck a cord with me:

George Albert Smith:

“I wonder if we appreciate the daughters of God as He appreciates them.”

When I read this, I realized that what Brother Smith is saying is not "I wonder if we appreciate the daughters of God as much as He appreciates them"  but rather "I wonder if we appreciate the daughters of God in the same way He appreciates them."  So often in church meetings I hear men who speak of the sweet, gentle, fragile women of God.  While some of us truly are that way, and those are wonderful qualities in every human being, I wonder if the problem of gender relations in the church doesn't lie in the fact that God appreciates the strength and courage of women.  I think that what Brother Smith is getting at is that appreciating doesn't mean looking at and admiring, but holding a deep respect for.  That's the way that hope God views me, and the way I hope men and women will as well.

Oh monday...

I'm beginning to think that this night will never end.  Or it will end, just without much sleep.  I arrived home at 9pm having finished my last midterm, only to remember that I have an accounting lecture and quiz due at midnight, an article to review for my study group tomorrow, and a quiz at 8am tomorrow to study for...

Tomorrow will be a day of naps.

once again

I remember that when something doesn't work out, it's because there is something even better in store.

Photograph Overload

I am always hesitant to post pictures because I know so many people that are serious photographers, who put my point and shoot method to shame.  But these pictures aren't about being a good photographer, they are about me exploring my world.  So here's a bit of what I've been up to in the past few months.

Defining Beauty

Using Texture. 

The silliest boy in the world

An obsession with eyes.
These belong to my little brother.

Mountain Climbing and Silhouettes

Quite possibly the definition of happiness

some days actually do feel this good

Temple Square at Christmas

Yeah, it really was that intense.

Something of which I am proud.

And thoroughly enjoyed making.

LOVE my Shadow.

Often, I gage people's awesomeness levels by their capacity to be silly.

I walk by this house weekly,
and it always strikes something within me.
Why is it, you think?

Snowshoeing

I found these on the bottom of a bush walking home from the grocery store.
simple pleasures

story of their marriage!

Hope

I'm going there someday.

He thinks he's jumping in front of my pictures to ruin them.
Sometimes, I pretend to take pictures just so I can get faces like this.

One word: Fooseball

I love her.

Creativity

School is something that has always appealed to me.  I love to learn, to read, and to write.  But sometimes...sometimes I feel like it's not enough.  I'll feel this urge to create a beautiful mess, something that overflows with unaltered passion.  This two aspects of my life, I want them to mesh somehow.

test of faith

Remember how I said that faith often means foraging through, trusting that things will work out, even when it's stressful and you can't see the end result?  I'm getting more chances to practice that.  I have a slightly better perspective than before, but it's still scary to walk through a cave when you can't see the light at the end.

I don't know a lot of things.  But I'm trying my best and holding onto hope.
And that's really all I can do.

4 teeth less wise

Yesterday:
I got my wisdom teeth out about an hour ago.  Currently I'm half drooling blood and numbing both sides of my face with an ice pack.  I used laughing gas for the first time in my life, and I really don't think it had an effect on me.  I feel like I can't stop smiling.  My roommate didn't even acknowledge me when I came home...I thought that something like this would at least warrant a sympathy response.  But a new good guyfriend picked me up from my appointment and took me to the pharmacy to pick up my drugs.  He was really sweet about it all, and it was really appreciated by this girl.  Good friends can make all the difference.  When he picked me up, he told me I didn't look nearly as bad as he did when he got his taken out, and then he told me not to worry, I didn't have to talk.  So we shared quite a few nice silences, and he told me little bits about himself and his day.  And, even though I'm half drooling blood, he invited me over to watch the game later.  Seriously, it is so nice to have a good friend.

Last Night:
My step mom, dad, and little brother are probably going to come out to pick me up from school next month.  I am still struggling to believe that I really have family that cares about me.  I think I'm going to spend most of this summer at home- it isn't what I was planning on, but the more I think about it, the more I realize how good it could be for me, and for them.

Today:
I woke up with cheeks that had expanded to chipmunk size and blasting pain.  School was a no-go, but I did get quite a few hours of work in.  Tonight I decided to venture out for a dollar movie...and I wish I hadn't, but lesson learned.  Hopefully my swelling will do DOWN tonight instead of UP.

Hope

all of the people

running back and forth

stop

with a small offering

together

bringing hope

At peace

I have been overwhelmed recently by how happy I am.  The past year and a half have been especially difficult for a number of reasons, but recently I have been consistently filled with joy.  Life still has its ups and downs, but of late the little things are enough to make me happy and keep me that way.  And even more than that, I feel peace.  There is a scripture that teaches that when we are right before God, we will feel confidence and peace, and that is precisely how I feel.

None of my roommates were home this morning, and for the first time in weeks I had some time to be calm.  I put on some soft Sunday music and caught of on some practical things that needed doing, then took some time to really delve into scripture study.  Stake conference was wonderful, and today had just enough of good friends and simple surprises to keep me feeling full without being busy.

I feel that I am really starting to develop a working definition of faith.  It has been rough for me, at times, as I am not one who receives distinct and specific promptings in answer to prayer.  But for me, faith usually means putting my good foot forward in the direct I think is best, and have the patience to understand that if it doesn't work, it is because Father has something better planned for me.  I have seen this play out over and over this semester: I got rejected by several internships before getting an amazing job, I auditioned fruitlessly for several shows before being offered an assistant director position, and I struggled with my roommates for months before meeting an amazing friend who I will be living with next semester.  Right now, faith for me means staying strong in adversity and continuing to struggle through life without losing hope.  I feel so blessed that I don't have to be constantly worrying about how my life will turn out.  Instead, I can know with absolute certainty that if I am doing my best, it will all work out.

And that gives me hope.  Which, right now, is synonymous with peace.

Closing Night

My show went amazingly well this weekend.  I'm exhausted, yet strangely hyper.  This week I have four midterms, and I'm getting my wisdom teeth taken out.  But I'm not stressed, because I love my cast, I love the friends I'm making, and I'm loving life.  It's full of meaningful moments and just enough relationship drama to make it feel real.  Tonight life isn't easy, in fact it's night unto impossible to really keep a handle on things, but it is so worth it.  I'm learning to love this roller coaster.

The Typewriter

Ever since I was a little girl, I have wished for a magic typewriter.  I wanted a typewriter that could hook up to my brain and write out my thoughts as they happened.  Then, later, I could go through the pages and pages of thoughts if I ever needed to remember how I worded something in my thoughts.  Often, when I think things, I am worried that I won't be able to remember them as eloquently as they were first thought.  That's where the typewriter would come in handy.

This is a week I've really longed for the typewriter.  With so little free time and so, so many thoughts, it would have come in handy.  But, alas, I don't have the fair typewriter to save me from my human failings.  So, if I were to have a typewriter, these are the main topics that would come up this week/today:

Opening Night.  Fantastic.
Stress, busy, but loving it.
Boys. New. Old. Fun.
People, isolation. Hope.
Criminal psychology.
Loving my job.
Potential for money. FAFSA.
Friends. Grateful.
Headaches.
Falling asleep on the couch.
Lie to Me.
Celiac. Nosebleeds.

So much is happening in my life right now.  I don't ever really feel like I can keep on top of it all...but I love it nonetheless.  Just when I was starting to think that my life was heading on a downward trajectory again, I am filled with love, laughter, and hope.

What is life, if not a roller coaster of joy, tragedy, and the apathetic moments in between?  I choose to cherish it.  Even the moments when I'm plunging straight down and screaming my head off.  Because even if I spent 80% of the ride screaming, I still want to ride again when I get off.

Today deserves a recap.

I am reading my professors master's thesis on Deception Detection in FBI investigations...and it is honestly one of the most fascinating things I have ever read.  I am really unsure as to why these things fascinate me so much.  But I know they do, so I'm going to run with it!  On the docket tonight: Lie To Me.

Music has been especially absent in my life as of late.  With so much busyness and having lost my ipod, I've missed it.  As I sat down to review my accounting notes and plunged in to Pandora, I remembered just how much power music has in my life.  And I've taken a bit of a folksy turn lately. Kris Allen and Jason Mraz have been lifting my spirits quite a bit today.  This one, not so folksy, but particularly inspirational:

Tonight I felt more like a college girl than I have in a while.  I plastered posters for my play on the doors of my apartment complex.  Some doors...well, some doors got more posters than others.  It was fun. 

Not a lot of deep thought today, just trying to keep up with life, hold on, and find the joy in it. 

confession:

Sometimes, I am that girl.  You know the one.  The girl who can't let go of any guy, even the ones she's not interested in.  Who has to have all the male attention all the time.

I'm not proud of it.  And I don't know why I do it.  Even boys I KNOW I don't like, boys I never ever want to date...it drives me crazy when they turn their attentions toward someone else.  I try so hard to be happy for the other girls, to really hope things will turn out well for them.  Heck, I feel like it's easier if I DO really love the boy, because then I am at least hoping he finds joy.

They say the first step toward change is in recognizing that something is wrong.  Because, really...if I could just maintain the attention of the right guy, that would be enough for me.

Enough.  Confessional closed for the night.

allow me a moment.

I believe in love.  I've read about it, written about it, sung about it, listened to it, and most of all, I've lived it.  I know what a part of love feels like.  I know how it colors your whole world, giving you a reason to get up in the morning and keeps a secret smile in the crooks of your mouth all day.  I know that it makes you feel safe, secure, and gives you hope.  But I also know how quickly it can all change.

I don't know why, but I still miss you.  I worry that I will never find what we had.  The progress I've made as a person in the past 8 months is something I wouldn't trade, but I wish I could have both.  I know I'm young, and I know I will...but sometimes I wish I could just fast-forward to that part.  Although, once I got there, I'm sure I would wish I could go back again.

Bottom Line: I miss being in love.

Alright, I'm done with that now, I just needed to get it out of my system.  Back to life and priorities.  Time to focus on where I'm going and how I can make the world a better place.  At the right time, love will find me.

...sporadic

I've been up and down like crazy lately.  I'm starting to worry again.  I'm missing you again.  Sleep deprived, worrying, and wondering.  Some days, I wonder what it would be like to be come home to someone you felt safe with.

ideas as life as theater

Being at a Univeristy, especially this one, is an incredible experience.  I have the opportunity to network with so many incredible people that have the life experience to help me change the world.  Last week I had the opportunity to go to a screening of a student film production that is being released as a professional film at festivals across the world- and I went in the company of the casting director.  This morning my theater history class was visited by a creative executive from Disney who premiered a new short that hasn't yet been publicly released.  Today I had a discussion at work with a researcher about all of the many research ideas we have-and the fact that we are encouraged to jump right in and learn do something about the issues we care about.

What I love most of all is the opportunity to think.  Today I realized what it is about theater that strikes me so much.  With film, performance is caught on tape.  You can hold onto it forever and can replay it as many times as you want.  But with live theater, hours and hours of work go into one night with each audience.  For one night, you have intimate access to an audience.  You have the opportunity and responsibility to bring them into your world, make them think, and create something so magical that the audience will be grasping onto your every moment.  And that magic can never, ever been exactly reproduced.  To me, to create theater is to practice how one ought to live life- it's the process, the very moment that matters most.  Because it is in those pivotal, precious moment that everything happens.  There is no rewind, no fast forward, and no re-takes.  It's all about the energy of the moment. 

Ideas are life changing.  I have so many of them, every day.  And every day my life changes so much.  What would this life be without progression?

Awfully boring, for certain!