Friday, March 30, 2012


Believing in even the possibility of a Happy Ending is a very powerful thing.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

call me sappy

but movies tend to make me this way.  (we went to see The Hunger Games tonight)

life can get tough sometimes.  i tend to have pretty extreme highs and lows.  and quickly.  sometimes it's hard to remember how good things can be when i'm in the midst of scary changes, seemingly endless things to work on, and looming important decisions.  especially when i can't see an end in sight.

which is why it's so important to hold onto the moments where i feel.  the good and the bad.  hold onto intensity. adventure.  excitement.  loyalty.  safety.  moments where everything in the world feels right.  especially in the moments where everything seems to be a never-ending blur of awful apathy.

because there is beauty.  there is perfection.  there are moments that sweep me off my feet and make me let my guard down.  and it is those that need to be remembered most of all.

so here's to those moments.

Monday, March 26, 2012


flounderingpresent participle of floun·der (Verb)

  1. Struggle or stagger helplessly or clumsily in water or mud: "he was floundering about in the shallow offshore waters".
  2. Struggle mentally; show or feel great confusion: "she floundered, not knowing quite what to say".

Thursday, March 22, 2012


Tests and trials are given to all of us.  These mortal challenges allow us and our Heavenly Father to see whether we will exercise our agency to follow his son.  Yes, weeping may endure for anight, but joy will come in the morning.  Then, in the dawn of our increased faith and understanding, we arise, choose to wait upon the Lord, saying, "Thy will be done."  Let us not give up on the Lord.  His blessings are eternal.
-Robert D. Hales

Or as Celeste says:
I believe in the Sun, even when it's not shining.  



In the very near future I intend to do many things that involve Legos, miniature railroad tracks, coloring books and playgrounds.  Maturity be warned.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012


Personal Mission Statement...duh!  Haha.

I had to create this for my Organizational Behavior class this week, and I like it.  It may be a bit vague, but it was nicely timed to fit the changes my life plan is going through at the moment.  So here it is!

I strive to live so that my life is in complete harmony with God's will for me, and as such I am committed to making the building of my future family my foremost priority.  In my professional life, I also seek to become well respected for my refined analytic skills.  In all contexts, I aspire to be an uplifting influence to others in living what I believe.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

because i think all lives are precious.

I found this article today, and it made me very, very sad.  I don't want to get into a long debate about whether or not the law is appropriate, and I am not attempting to undermine this woman's pain, I just want to point out one thing.  What makes me so sad is that people have begun to view human lives as dispensable.  When someone is sick, deformed, or suffering any kind of physical, mental, emotional, or spiritual ailment- the cure isn't to simply throw them away.  Whether this person is an unborn child or a 90 year old grandma, the individual's suffering is not the only factor in play.  Life is full of suffering.  I'm not advocating that we seek out pain, but a certain amount of pain and hardship is necessary for us to learn and grow.  And when a life is terminated before its time, whatever the reason, that person isn't able to learn and grow in all they ways they needed to.  Additionally, sometimes people suffer to teach lessons to others.  I've heard hundreds of stories from parents who had children with a wide range of health defects- some whose child lived in pain for a handful of years and then passed away- but the one experience they all share is a profound sense of gratitude for the life they were able to be a part of even for a short while.  We weren't intended to live this life in a hedonist way, seeking out only the things that feel good or bring us pleasure.  We were intended to push through the good and the bad, and learn along the way.

I don't know whether the woman in this article made the correct choice or not- that is ultimately up to her and God.  I have some very strong views on abortion, based off of thorough consideration and experience.  And what it comes down to for me is this:

Every single person, whether they are a barely fertilized fetus or a highly functioning adult, has incredible worth in the eyes of God.  So I believe that any time we tamper with even the possibility of human life, we must be very, very cautious.  I am aware that there are some horrible things that happen that can lead to unwanted pregnancies- and there are some serious emotional, physical, and mental complications that can arise from such situations.  I can imagine some situations where abortion may be something to consider.  But to me, the point isn't about it always being right or always being wrong.  The point is that we recognize that life is precious.  Sacred.  And something that deserves to be fought for.  
When we approach the giving and taking of life in this way, the details and personal decisions ultimately ought to come down to what an individual decides.  And that, as with all personal decisions, is between them and God.  

For additional reference, see the official statement from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on Abortion.  Perhaps fittingly, this statement came out the year I was born.  I might say it a little differently, but this is what I believe.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Saturday Songs

Today I haven't gotten everything done I've needed to, but I've gotten the mental and emotional rejuvenation I've needed.  I am so grateful for the people in my life who are seeing me through right now.  I owe you the world, and someday I'll be able to give it back to you.  For real.

For now, the songs that are defining my journey.

Lincoln Park: Iridescent
Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure's all you've known.
Remember all the sadness and frustration,
and let it go.
Let it go.

He is We: And Run
Filling my head with words to encourage me,
Gotta get my act straight so I can truly believe.
That's what I'm waiting for, is really worth the wait.
Stop bringing myself down,
I gotta know what makes me great.

I'm going to open my mind to all these,
New found exciting possibilities.

I'm trying to get past this,
Be better than I once was.

Draw a map, find a path
Take a breath and run.

And finally, what I wish I could remember every day amid all the other voices in my head.
Beautiful to Him
I define myself and find my beauty in 
the light He gives.
I'm refined by His divine intentions every day I live
It doesn't matter what the world believes
or what they say that beauty means.
It comes from within
I want to be beautiful to Him.

Friday, March 16, 2012


"I am grateful that God allows tragedies and trials to occur in our lives.  
Not because they're easy or because they're desired, but because they help us love."

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

tender mercies

I like to remind myself of the beautiful things in life, because I forget so easily.

The sunshine outside all day today.
Roommates who understand my moodiness.
An incredible comeback win from my favorite basketball team.
The peace that comes from seeking answers.
And my amazing boyfriend, who teaches me so much and loves me even when I'm difficult.

I am grateful for the opportunity to be alive.  To live, learn, love, and grow.  
It's all about progression.


If humans had switches, it would be easier to turn on and off at appropriate times.  We would be more efficient, and could better allocate our physical and emotional resources.  When I was little, we watched a movie called "Not Quite Human" about a robot boy who had been built by his father.  Sometimes I envied his ability to turn off and on.


Similarly, I sometimes envy Lieutenant Commander Data from Star Trek.  


Consider this exchange between Data and Captain Picard:

Lieutenant Commander Data: Captain, I believe I am feeling... anxiety. It is an intriguing sensation. A most distracting... 

Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Data, I'm sure it's a fascinating experience, but perhaps you should deactivate your emotion chip for now. 

Lieutenant Commander Data: Good idea, sir. 


Captain Jean-Luc Picard: Data, there are times that I envy you.  

Monday, March 12, 2012


Often we talk about how long God takes to answers prayers.  We believe that He hears us, and that in His own time He answers.  By this we usually imply that we won't get answers as quickly as we want.  But I believe that, usually, even if He doesn't give us the answer we want right away, He gives us some indicator that He is watching over us almost immediately.  I have a testimony of the immediacy of God's love.  I imagine that He is waiting on the edge of His heavenly seat, waiting for us to ask for the help that we need.  He wants to tell us how we are doing.  He aches to tell us we are loved, and to help guide us back home.  We just need to learn how to ask the right questions.

I get really impatient sometimes.  I assume that when I push through life by making lists and throwing myself into a hundred different directions things will work out.  But I often forget to check in with the man upstairs.  I forget how willing He is to help me figure things out.  He wants me to struggle to find answers, but He doesn't expect me to do it on my own.  So when I finally soften enough to ask Him for help, He doesn't hesitate. 

In 2 Nephi 32:9, we are taught, "But behold, I say unto that ye must pray always, and not faint; that he must not perform anything unto the Lord save in the first place ye shall pray unto the Father in the name of Christ, that he will consecrate thy performance unto thee, that thy performance may be for the welfare of thy soul."  We can be doing the right actions, but unless we are consulting with our Heavenly Father, it won't do a whole lot of good.

Today is a testament of God's immediacy.  After a few weeks of struggling, I finally decided to check back in.  I had a bunch of ideas and lists, and I felt overwhelmed.  So I checked in.  I asked for feedback.  And guess what happened?

Today is the first day in ages I have felt alive.  It's been so long that I forgot what it felt like.  I feel the sun on my skin and I know I am on the right path.  Music sounds more full and potent.  My thoughts are clear.  And I'm starting to really feel in a different way.  Not just pain and heavy things- but light and joy. 

I know I'm a behaviorist...but I love how willing God is to provide reinforcement.  His plan is perfect, and I so appreciate how patient He is with my slow journey to understand.

Monday Reminder

Matthew 18:11

For the Son of man is come to save that which was lost.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

one step at a time

way sick.  too much to do.  not enough sleep or brainpower to do it.  important decisions looming on the horizon.  stressing me out.  classes.  grades.  grad school.  relationships.  jobs.  living arrangements.  money.

And then I realize how lucky I am.  How I know exactly what I am supposed to be focusing on right now, and that I've been promised that everything else will fall into place when I do that.  The peace that comes from knowing that when I'm doing my best and putting my focus where God intends it to be, everything will be okay.  I don't have to know how.  I don't have to understand.  And I probably won't. 

 I don't need to be able to see the path in front of me, I just need to trust the hand that leads me.

Monday, March 5, 2012

Taken for Granted

 "Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted."
Aldous Huxley

When I catch myself criticizing someone I am close to, wishing they would improve in some way or do something differently, I  try to take a step back.  Most often, what I am overlooking is how incredibly much I am taking for granted. 

What this really boils down to is focusing on the positive.  John Gottman, a researcher who studies marital relations, has found one thing that most successful marriages have in common: the couples shares five or more positive interactions for every negative one.  It is easy to assume that the people we are close to know that we value them, but I think the truth is we need to remind them.  We need to remind those around us that they matter far more often than we point out the things we need them to improve on.  This is something I really want to get better at.

I think I'm going to employ my own version of the Golden Rule (and credit Hannah with it's coneption):

If you have something nice to say, SAY IT!

...I love the things I find when I'm grading papers.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

I'm loving

...delicious meals with best people. new computer. calls with the sister I love so much.
...getting to see Hannah last weekend.
...endless hugs and understanding.
...learning to feel.
...being okay with not being perfect.
...just being.


I'm not going to be an adult today.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

movie magic

i love movies
i love life
love them, with me 
come alive

take me where my soul won't go
up above and down below
shadows hide what's beautiful
pull us into life anew
all the things you never knew
hoped and dreamed but can't conceive
show me you believe