truth emerges in solitude

It was sometime during the second mile that I realized I was actually enjoying the run.  The plan was only to run a few more blocks, but suddenly all of the hurt and pain that has been building up channeled itself into sheer willpower- the power to push on.  So my legs kept running.   Even though my pace was already faster than normal, I sped up.  I took deliberate turns toward steep hills and unrelenting inclines, willing myself to keep on until I didn't have anything left.  It was amazing, how I could feel all that had been swelling inside beat against my chest and rush out as I exhaled.

Before heading home, I stopped in the bookstore.  While I only meant to purchase a new journal, as usual I found myself perusing the used book aisle.  Soon I was curled up in a cozy chair in the corner, opening to the middle of one of President Monson's captivating narratives, wrapped up the warmth of his words. So many beautiful words.  Words about finding the light of dawn after the tears of a despair-ridden sunset.  Words about the purity and meekness and flawless perfection of children.  Words about love, and laughter, and hope.  Words.

But it wasn't until I took the long way home, because I wanted to stop by the stream and feel the water flowing through my hands, that I realized today was the first time in ages I have felt like myself.  It was only for a few small moments, but it was beautiful.  I felt alive, not because I was accomplishing something, or doing good, or making a difference in the world- but because I was taking the time to appreciate the things that strike to the very center of my soul.  Pushing myself to go further.  Stopping to fall into the world of the written word. Wanting to be an intricate part of the small things around me.  As I walked by the waterfall, I ached for the Yuba River, wishing I could splash in its whirlpools and whimsically find adventures in climbing up and around and under and through its boulders, always to collapse on the warm sand in laughter and exhaustion.

Sometimes I forget how well I know what makes my soul happy.  But for some reason I have such a hard time showing that girl to the world.  It feels as though all that I show is the bitter, skeptical girl who focuses on productivity and always doing things "right".  I wish I could find a way to be this girl, the one who finishes a run with a stroll through the bookstore and plays in waterfalls, around others.  I want to find and create magic with others.  And I want others to experience it too.  

Because life is so magical.  And magic is meant to be shared with those you love.