just be.

"Every person to a greater or less degree affects the lives of those with whom he associates. There is a radiation from each individual character. People are more or less susceptible to this radiation. If we could interpret it rightly and fully we could arrive at a just estimate of those whom we meet. This radiation comes not from what the person pretends to be but from what he is really and intrinsically."
--David O. McKay


today I've been thinking.  new, right?  today i also decided that capitalization is overrated.  today i realized how many incredible people i have known in my life, and how few of them i have taken the opportunity to truly understand.  it makes me sad.  looking back on the acquaintances i've had, the guys i've dated, and the people i've brushed past a few times, i mourn that i don't know them better.  for a while, my romantic relationships had a pattern: we'd go on dates, he'd want to get serious, and i would break things off because i didn't feel like i knew him well enough.  what i realized today is that, really, i felt like he didn't know me well enough.  and that, probably, i felt like i didn't know him very well because i was so busy trying to hide myself.  i've heard so many times 'just be'.  but how does one do that?  i hate the cliches of walls we build to safeguard our secrets...but i think i hate it because it's true.  and walls don't just keep others out, they keep us from reaching out to others as well.  i so desperately want to just be.  i want to be honest about where i'm at and what's going on for me.  i don't want to be putting on a show.  i don't want to be a fake version of myself.  i want to be open and honest about my strengths, weaknesses, challenges, fears, loves, and all that is me.  and i want others to know that i want to see them- to really see them.  i want to engage with them.  we are social beings.  we need one another.  we bleed together, and we build together.  but first we have to be open together.


i'm working on that part.