Powers That Be

After watching Buffy, sometimes I really feel like the forces in the universe are trying to tell me something.  This week I've had some incredible opportunities and hopes.  Yesterday, on my way to rehearsal, my ipod on shuffle played 13 songs in a row with "love" in the title.  For the past few days, every time I turn on the TV the first channel I flip to is playing "Criminal Minds", which has subsequently become my new favorite way to spend my free time.  Last night, I had a night of increasingly anxious dreams where I re-lived, with slight adjustments, most of the mistakes I made while living at home.  And today I am writing a talk for tomorrow on "The Joys of Obedience".  These may seem like random occurrences, but they have each pretty significant meaning for me.

I have spent the past 6 months trying not to be in love, trying to stay away from it at all costs.  But now that I'm starting to get my life in order...I wouldn't mind so much.  It still scares me, but I think I'm starting to believe in real love again.  I think my Dad has helped a lot with that.

For the past few weeks I've re-realized a fascination I've had- understanding the Criminal Mind.  I remember in 7th grade reading "The Theory of Moral Development" and mentally constructing theories of why criminals act the way they do...and how we could alter our system to focus on preventing crime.  Right now I'm focusing on Organizational Behavior...but I'm starting to realize that this might be an impulse and opportunity I can follow to get my foot in the door for criminal psychology.  That's what I love about life right now...I don't have to have my life all planned out, I just need to take the best opportunities that come my way and see where they lead.

Recently I've really been trying to understand how my past has affected the person I am today.  I don't understand everything (far from it), but I have realized that my need to make everything "okay" is largely do to how un-okay things usually were- and how it seemed like I could never do anything right.  It has been liberating to begin to understand that I don't have to rely on others' perceptions of me, I can build the life that I want.  Because, really, I'm the one that has to live with it.

The Joys of Obedience...now I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I've really been trying extra hard recently to live a life that I am proud of, a life where I practice self-discipline and make good decisions.  And I have been blessed for it.  I don't always see the blessings, but recently I really have.  It's cliche, but it's true: when Father closes a window, and you look hard enough, you can find a roomful of doors.

I feel like every day I wake up and have to re-find that room of doors, but the effort is so worth it.  When we put in the effort...the blessings come.  Maybe not in the time or way we envisioned, but sometimes they do.

and sometimes they come in ways that are even better