Love with Abandon

Someday I want to love someone so much that when they come home, I won't care who sees me run to him and jump in his arms.

Life is too short to be so guarded.  

'of one accord'

This may be my new favorite scripture on things related to romantic and marital relationships.  Enjoy.

Philippians 2:2-3
"Fulfill ye my joy, that ye be like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind.
Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem the other better than themselves. "

If a real, loving relationship is ever going to be possible, you can't live in the 50/50 mindset.  Each person has to give their full 100%, and trust each other enough to believe that the other is doing the same.  As long as you're looking at the relationship in terms of  what you can get out of it, you're never putting enough in.  When your primary concern isn't your partner's needs, but your own, neither of you will ever have those needs fulfilled.  It's a type of the Prisoner's Dilemma, really: the only way for both parties to have the best possible outcome is if they put the other person first.

It's hard and scary, putting your heart in someone else's hands.  You can be brutally hurt, abused, neglected, and mistreated in many ways- and people very often are.  It's the sad truth of the world that we live in.  But when you engage in a relationship where you and your partner love God enough to put the needs of the other first, service becomes cyclical and happiness runs rampant.  It really is the only way.  Build trust, yes.  Be discerning.  Be careful whose hands you place your precious heart in.  But once you know they can be trusted, once you seem the glimmer of goodness that makes you believe in them- go all in.  It is the route that has the greatest cost, but also the only one that will reap the full possibility of benefits.

Organic Commandment

Thank-You

To all of my roommates, for making me lunch, giving me hugs (and not judgmental looks) when I come home late at night, orienting me to the scriptures, talking to be about everything, discussing pop-psychology personality types, staying up late to have talks from one bed to the other, laughing, loving, praying, playing, and just being together.

To my best guy friend, for staying patient and kind even when I'm an obstinate teenager, for fighting to keep the Spirit when I seem to be doing everything in my power to drive it away, and for pushing me to grow especially when it's hard.

To my geographically challenged friend that is so far away, for talking in the small moments I have and for sharing her life with me.

To the writer of this blog post, for reminding me to keep thoughts of dating and marriage in perspective.

To my legs and stomach, for not committing mutiny after the way I've treated you lately.

To my Heavenly Father, for sticking with me even when I'm exhausted and want to throw in the towel- and for reminding me that it will be worth it in the long run.

And to Gotye and YouTube, for letting me listen to this song 20+ times in the past 48 hours.

In the mornings
I was anxious

It's better just to stay in bed

Didn't want to fail myself again

Running through all the options

And the endings

Were rolling out in front of me

But I couldn't choose a thread to begin

And I could not love

'Cause I could not love myself

Never good enough, no

That was all I'd tell myself

And I was not well

But I could not help myself

I was giving up on living

In the morning

You were leaving

Travelling south again

And you said you were not unprepared

And all the dead ends

And disappointments

Were fading from your memory

Ready for that lonely life to end

And you gave me love

When I could not love myself

And you made me turn

From the way I saw myself

And you're patient, love

And you help me help myself

And you save me

Trust

"Just when all seems to be going right, challenges often come in multiple doses applied simultaneously.  When those trials are not consequences of your disobedience, they are evidence that the Lord feels you are prepared to grow more (see Proverbs 3:11-12).  He therefore gives you experiences that stimulate growth, understanding, and compassion which polish you for your everlasting benefit.  To get you from where you are to where He wants you to be requires a lot of stretching, and that generally entails discomfort and pain... This life is an experience in profound trust-trust in Jesus Christ."

-Elder Richard G. Scott

God gave me you

For the handful of beautiful people in my life who pull me through, constantly, and help me become better.

You know who you are.

Thank you.

Patience, Child

Don’t let the workings of adversity totally absorb your life. Try to understand what you can. Act where you are able; then let the matter rest with the Lord for a period while you give to others in worthy ways before you take on appropriate concern again.
-Richard G. Scott, October 1995 

just to let off some steam...

Sometimes this is how I feel when men are blatantly rude to the women in their lives, yet don't understand why they are still single.

Also, I just think it's funny.  And for the record, anyone can be in the kitchen if they darn well please- I often LIKE doing things in the kitchen.  Humans should be able to come and go from different rooms as they please.  (With the possible exception of the powder room, because only one person gets to be in there at a time.)

I wish I had words

...to express how grateful I am that Heavenly Father knows exactly what I need and who I need to help me work through it.

Time for Honesty

Given that I'm writing a talk on honesty tonight, I thought I'd get some things off my chest- honestly.

I want to be CONSISTENT, dang it.  I hate having my feelings wrenched around my heart like the spinning teacups ride.  No matter where I end up, I still feel dizzy.

I love the Avengers, even the second time.  Possibly more so.

I'm worried sick about those I love.  So many people that are struggling, so many to help and hold and keep.  So much truth I wish I could share, but not quite knowing how.  My sister, my mom, and all my roommates.  Why can't I fix everything?  I guess the better question is this: how do I be okay recognizing that others making the right choices isn't necessarily the most important thing, it's allowing them to use their agency in the best possible way.  (Thank you again, Joss Whedon).

Today I did something I've never done before.  I ran six miles.  SIX MILES.  The last mile was so, so hard- but I did it, with the help and support of my great roommate (and some angels, I'm sure).  It feels so good to know that by body is capable of so much.

I wish I could stop directing my resentful feelings toward others.  I have so much to be grateful for, and everyone is living their life in the best way they know how.

And sometimes...sometimes you just have to cry.

This is one heck of a journey.  While I love the steps along the way, sometimes it's hard not to wish I could just skip to the end already.

I am in love with life

With the opportunity to wait in the Bountiful Temple and chat with elderly couples about their courtship.  With midnight dinners at Denny's with some of my most favorite people.  With opportunities to make covenants, anticipate making covenants, and ask hundreds of questions.  With loads of laundry that I can fold while chatting with my beautiful roommates.  I'm in love with the silly things that I laugh about, like hitting my head on the dome light of a car, or forgetting how much I hate Taco Bell's guacamole until I take a huge bite of my burrito.  With playing alarm-DJ in the morning with Jessie, only to finally bolt awake 20 minutes before class.  I'm in love with learning and growing, with facing challenges and enjoying the growth.   With making choices and decisions, and recognizing that life is about learning to use your agency, not necessarily about doing everything right.  I'm in love with feeling alive, and remembering how great it feels to push yourself.  With sticking to a running plan even though it hurts.  With feeling cared about, with choosing to be happy.  I'm in love with life because there is so much to love about it.

But most of all, I'm in love with life because I choose to be.

And a quote from James E. Talmage in Jesus the Christ that comes to mind whenever I begin to think that life is unfair:

“In the judgment with which we shall be judged, all the conditions and circumstances of our lives shall be considered.  The inborn tendencies due to heredity, the effect of environment whether conducive to good or evil, the wholesome teachings of youth, or the absence of good instruction—these and all other contributory elements must be taken into account in the rendering of a just verdict as to the soul’s guilt or innocence.  Nevertheless, the divine wisdom makes plain what will be the result with given conditions operating on known natures and dispositions of men, while every individual is free to choose good or evil within the limits of the many conditions existing and operative.”  

A decision made.

I just have to say, I love my computer.  A few months ago I was freaking out and needing to make a decision and then I finally bought one- and it was MY decision.  I went with my gut, with what I thought I wanted.  And you know what, I'm happy with it.  I really like it.  And I might have been happier with something else, but I don't care, because I really don't know.  I researched as much as I felt was necessary, weighed the options, and then made a choice- and stuck with it.  It's a simple, silly example, but it feels good to know that I can make choices that I'm happy with.  That I can make choices that I can CHOOSE to be happy with.

Monday night musings

I am so grateful to be alive.

Grateful that we are allowed to feel love, even when it's complicated and messy.  Thrilled that I've discovered how good a remedy running can be for headaches.  Blessed to associate with those who help me heal and teach me the power of change.  Cursed with the good fortune of a Heavenly Father who knows how to give me the challenges I need to grow.

I am so grateful for love.  It is so powerful.  Confusing, conflicted, and scary, as well.  But there is something so anchoring about feeling love toward another human being.  We were meant to love.

Prepare for a vomit post soon, but for right now...

• St. George this past weekend was a BLAST, and the much needed break I needed.
• The Avengers exceeded all expectations, and I am now even further in director-love with Joss Whedon.
• I really wish it didn't cost so much to go home to see my little brother play baseball.  Either I spend two days driving and shovel out $200 in gas, or I cave and dish out almost $400 to fly home.
• Our apartment has been on heavy emotional/spiritual overload the past few days, and while it's great to be progressing, it's also draining!
• This week is going to be crazy and wonderful: 2 tests, 2 papers due, 30 papers to grade, 1 amazing roommate going through the temple, and lots of time with those I love.  Life is jam packed, and it's good to be busy.  

My current life mantra is to take life one day and one step at a time.  Heavenly Father knows what he's doing with us, we just have to be careful not to freak out too much about the future.  Live NOW.

I know a lot about love, but not nearly everything.  The person I love most in this world is my little brother, Benjamin.  I know what it means to care so deeply about a person that you would do almost anything to protect them.  I understand the deep ache when the person you love does something that you know will hurt them, and I know the bittersweet joy in their tears as they learn lessons the hard way.  I know what it's like to lay awake for hours so you can caress the face and hair of the person who means more to you than anyone else on the planet.  To willingly sacrifice hours of needed rest for bike rides, blackberry picking, endless games of Phase 10, catch, basketball, or late night lullaby's.  To hold them tight in your arms and wish you could save them from all the hurt in the world.  I know love.

But there are so many types and depths of love.  I heard this song by Kate Nash today, and it made me think about a way in which I someday want to be loved.  It's silly, but that's part of why I love it.  Some lyrics...

I wish I was your favorite girl

I wish you thought I was the reason you are in the world

I wish my smile was your favorite kind of smile

I wish the way that I dressed was your favorite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out

But you always wanna know what I was about

I wish you'd hold my hand

When I was upset

I wish you'd never forget

The look on my fave when we first met

I wish you have a favorite beauty spot

That you loved secretly

'Cause it was on a hidden bit

That nobody else could see

Basically, I wish that you loved me

I wish that you needed me

I wish that you knew when I said two sugars, 

Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break

I wish that without me you'd be spending the rest of your nights awake

I wish that without me you couldn't eat

I wish I was the last thing on your mind before you went to sleep