Busyness

Disclaimer: Many of these thoughts come from an amazing article in the New York Times my roommate referred me to about self-imposed business.  I loved it.

For the past week, and for the next 8, I will be unabashedly NOT busy.  I am not taking classes or working, and it's a nice break after doing both since August.  I'm just studying for the GRE, figuring out stuff for grad school, and taking care of some small practical things like laundry and scholarships.  Other than that, I'm having adventures, creating culinary masterpieces (kinda...), taking long afternoon naps, and making spontaneous trips.  I'm enjoying a BREAK.  

But here's the thing: I feel intense nagging guilt.  Not because there are specific things I ought to be doing.  No, I do those.  I get my to-do list done every day, and then some.  Guilt because I have free time.  Guilt because I'm not overly booked and busy.  

And yet I'm learning something very important: when I'm busy, I lean toward narcissistic.  I think we all do.  It makes us feel important.  But when I'm not busy, I have time to take care of myself and others.  I have time to make those I love feel important.  And I have time to feel loved.

I also have time to feel other things though.  Things that the busyness blocks out.  And I'm realizing that being busy is really just a coping mechanism against the emptyness and scary feelings I'd have to face if it was gone. 

Being busy doesn't make you better- it doesn't even make you good.  The most important thing we can do or build while on this earth is real, lasting relationships.  And those relationships are best when we are calm, have time to relax, and are able to focus all of our attention on one person at a time.  Busyness isn't necessarily productivity- and productivity isn't the end goal.  Who cares how much you can produce if you don't have anyone to love?