Prepare for random, senseless venting.
Someday I will learn to embrace the roller-coaster that is life. But for right now, I'm going to scream the whole freaking way down.
The way that people view me matters. And it bothers me to no end when I feel that people's perception of me is an any way inaccurate. There are few things I hate more than knowing someone has a compromised view of my morals, especially when I feel powerless to change their view. Sometimes relationships in life morph themselves so that it's simply not worth the pain to set the record straight. Times when setting the record straight would be only self serving. And right now is one of those times.
I have a hard time letting go. It's something I understand about myself. I don't have a lot of close friends, but the people that are important to me I invest a lot in. When things with people blow up in my face, I don't know how to fix it. I try, and often I fail. I spent so much time investing in preventing the demise of relationships, so I really don't know how to fix the ones that are falling apart. I run. And then I think about it...for what seems like forever.
I want to understand. In all these circumstances, what I want more than anything is a safe conversation where I just get to know what went so very wrong. I don't need a reconciliation. Heck, a lot of times I think that we're better off heading our separate ways. But I just can't stand the thought that sprawling the globe are people who are harboring awful feelings toward me. Maybe I did do something wrong. I probably did. But I don't know what it was. And if I don't know, I can't fix it. And if I can't fix it, what happens if we run into one another at the grocery store? I hate that this is what I'm afraid of.
A lot of people make resolutions on January 1st. I'm making a resolution for my 20th year. I am going to move on, and keep becoming.
BECOMING. I love that word. And it describes so beautifully my journey. I'm learning how to become, and who I want to become. I'm also figuring out how to just be. Both parts take effort, and both are essential. I can't afford to spend any more of my life worrying that someone, somewhere is upset with me. I only have this one life, and I'm doing the very best I can.
If you don't believe me, I'm open for discussion. Just don't expect me to guess it from your silence.
I'm not as angry as I sound, I promise. It's just one of those moments, when everything feels like it's great and one little reminder seems to turn everything upside down.
Bedtime.
Over and out.
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