Monday, June 11, 2012

james joyce-ing it up

I've tried not to do this recently, but I'm on my computer and I can type a gabagillion times faster than I could ever write.

Everything is going to explode.  There's nothing new, nothing that's hard again--in fact things are just starting to get easier in a lot of ways.  But all the hard that has been happening lately, all the stuff that I've said is just fine and that I'm strong enough to handle...well, I'm NOT.  And shoving it down into the bottom of the ice cream cone doesn't help anyone, it just makes it harder to get to the chocolate candy at the bottom.  [stupid metaphor, I know.  it doesn't even make sense].  It's just...well, I don't know how to be anyone except the girl that gets things done.  I don't know how to believe that God could love me even if all I did was sit around all day.  But even more importantly, I don't know how to believe that balance is possible.  I feel like a break means I spend the rest of the day being worthless, or that productivity means that I can't take even one break.  It's all or nothing.  Either I stay and be perfect or I run far, far away.  All the studies say you're more productive when you take breaks, but I'm not.  I get distracted and then feel worthless and then can't do what it was I was supposed to be doing in the first place.  So I don't take breaks, I push through until I can't take it anymore and then I break.  I fall apart.  I get so strung up that all I can do is sob.  And then I'm at square one again, rejuvenated enough to move on and get some more stuff done, but never really learning how to be happy and rested.

I know I'll figure this out eventually.  It's just hard to believe when I'm still caught in the cycle.  HOPE.

1 comment:

  1. Learning to take breaks takes practice for people who are super awesome at being superwoman. Give it a few more tries.

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